chibirhm: (Strike a pose there's nothing to it.)
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ALSDKFJSLKDJ GOLDEN GLOBES TONIGHT!!!! Guys, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I fucking love the Globes. I mean, I'm a fan of all awards shows because people in pretty dresses, but the Globes are my favorite. Movies! And television! EVERYONE ALL IN ONE PLACE! Plus I am, like, way more into Inception than I realized, because I was bored on Friday and watching the fucking Critic's Choice awards, which is like the bellybutton lint of awards shows, and I got all squealy and flappy-handed when Inception was even mentioned. Which is weird, because when I first watched it I didn't feel the way I do about most of my favorite movies, where I walk away from it like "WOW THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING I WANT TO WRITE ODES TO IT". Instead it sort of wormed its way into my heart so when I did a re-watch of it last week because I was bored/in the mood I spent the ENTIRE TIME squealing and going I HAD NO IDEA I FELT SO STRONGLY ABOUT THIS MOVIE BUT OH MY GOD I WANT TO MARRY IT AND HAVE SOME BABIES WITH IT ALSKJFLSKJ.

Another thing that totally snuck up on me is how deeply I adore red carpet fashion. But this year, it's gone from "I enjoy making catty comments" to a full-blown obsession. It started when it was New Year's Eve and E! had a marathon of the Fashion Police from last year's awards shows, and I was bored so I was like LA LA I THINK I WILL GO LOOK UP THIS YEAR'S LINES AND PLAY DRESS-UP WITH MYSELF. Only then I kept looking. And looking. And cut to now where I literally have spent days and days creating a full-blown wardrobe for myself. Which at first I wasn't going to share, because it made me feel really dorky and lame and totally out of character, but several people assured me they wanted to see, and you know what, fuck it, I'm stupidly excited. SO I WILL NOW SUBJECT YOU TO MY FASHION SENSE.

Brief History of Problems, Things to Work Around/Consider: AKA, my defense to TLo

A (stupidly large) part of what I considered while looking through shit was thinking about what Tom and Lorenzo would say about my hypothetical sartorial choices, because I love those fierce, crazy bitches. And I have come to the conclusion that they would deem me snoozeworthy, boring, and wish I had pumped up the volume or whatever. "She's young!" I could hear them typing. "She has just [insert excuse I made for this in my head, which depending on my mood was either "is dating super-hot man" or "wrote the best screenplay of all time"], she should be living it up!" TLo, more than anything love super dramatic shit on the red carpet.

Except here is the thing, TLo (and you all) - I am not a very loud dresser for several reasons. One, I am (when I'm comfortable around someone, that is) a loud person. I don't like my clothes to speak for me, I like to speak for myself. Two, my hair is bright red and ridiculously loud. It's also my best feature. I don't want to detract from my hair. I'm also super, super pale. As in, I often show up as pure white in photos taken in direct sunlight and I have to have color retroactively added in or I look like Casper the friendly ghost. Which eliminates a bunch of colors. Namely, anything on the red-pink-purple end of the spectrum, and a whole host of neutrals. Unfortunately, these seem to be the colors du jour, along with black and white. Now, I can wear black and some red, but the red dulls my hair, and black just looks extremely harsh, not to mention I generally find black a pretty boring color on the Red Carpet. Also, in life. Navy is your friend! It is dark and flattering yet provides some softness and interest so far as color is concerned!

The most important reason (which is also the biggest concern I had while fake dressing myself) is how utterly tiny I am. In case you are new, I'm a extremely tiny. I'm 4'11" (that's just under 1.5 meters, metric weirdos) and my weight usually fluctuates a lot, but mostly rests around 110 pounds (approx. 50 kg). In addition to that, I'm not gifted in the leg department, which is never good for a short person, as the first rule of being short is WEAR SKIRTS THAT SHOW YOUR LEGS. Long skirts make you look even shorter. But the problem is, all my lack of height comes from my legs! I learned, through many an art class where we were told to use ourselves as models, that instead of being 1/2 leg and 1/2 torso, like a NORMAL human, I am more like 2/3 torso and 1/3 leg. Plus I am hippy and bottom-heavy. Now none of these are bad things so much as irritating, because fashion is designed for glamazons of women who are seven feet tall and perfectly proportioned. This meant I had to throw out a lot of dresses I adored beyond all reason, because I knew they would look like utter shit on me. For example, this Alexander McQueen dress:



UNSPEAKABLY GORGEOUS. I have spent an embarrassing amount of hours staring at it like it's pornography and pawing at my computer screen. Unfortunately, to pull of a giant skirt like that? You need to be 7 feet tall. Which I am not.

And, see, this is the drama TLo are talking about! And I agree! I would love to bring that sort of drama to the Red Carpet. If I were Cate Blanchet, I could totally pull it off. But alas, I am not. I would look like I've been eaten by a black silk monster. It would be a disaster.

Though perhaps TLo would appreciate disaster. After all, Joe's suit of plaid OH GOD WHY was one of their top looks of the year. Their explanation? "Who doesn't love a cute boy in a plaid suit?" Well, Tom and Lorenzo, I love a cute boy (that one in particular), and I love plaid and flannel shirts. But a plaid SUIT? HONEY NO.

Speaking of fashion disasters, my vote for "what I want to see someone wear this awards season more than anything in the universe" is this dress by Marchesa (who's a very, very popular designer of red carpet dresses which makes it a high possibility and oh god I am dancing in glee at the prospect):



IT IS A VAGINA DRESS! Like, seriously, is there any way of getting around it? IT IS A DRESS WITH A GIANT VAGINA. I am gleefully anticipating fashion commentators attempting to allude to this without being able to just point and shout "GIANT FABRIC VAGINA!", because they're not allowed to do that on air. Especially you, Joan Rivers. I look very forward to hearing your commentary on this dress.

NOTE THE SECOND

Dresses very often change from their runway incarnation to the one you see on the red carpet. Nothing is sacred - hemlines, fabric colors/patterns, taking some of this out here and adding it there, whatever. What you see on the runway is like a template. But since celebrities are not built like models, usually instead of taking the dress off the runway and giving it to them, the dress gets custom-made for them, and as such, designers are willing to do whatever they have to in order to please the client and get their name bandied about.

Back-Up Looks (For luncheons, lesser awards shows, etc)



Dress: G. Ferre. Shoes: Ralph Lauren. Clutch: Ferragamo.

The only thing I would change slightly about this look was that I'm not hugely fond of the belt-like thing's fabric - it looks sort of cheap and pleather-y, but I adore the dress underneath. ADORE. It reads both as a subtle print but it's still a solid color, it's floaty and flirty and young, and aslkfjsldkj that clutch, oh my stars and garters. I'd even replicate the model's hair and makeup, though I think I'd want a bit of a pinker lip. But yeah, hair down, natural-looking makeup, maybe some shimmery eyeshadow, bam. Done.


Dress: Jason Wu. Brooch: Carole Tenenbaum. Shoes: Jimmy Choo.

I adore, adore, adore this dress. ADORE. But the problem is this could turn matronly really, really easily. Solution - styling! Get rid of that fugly-ass brooch, instead use this gorgeous vintage one and place it on the center of the waistband so it's like HELLO LOOK AT MY YOUNG AND SUPPLE BREASTICLES. Wear young, sexy heels, instead of a bun, which is more mature and elegant, do something fun like a ponytail (idk how they do formal ponytails for red carpets, but they do 'em! Hollywood magic!). Makeup-wise go for something a little more glamorous like a mostly neutral lip and and cat's eye. FROM MATRONLY TO 70'S-STYLE VIXEN IN SEVERAL EASY STEPS.

Golden Globes



Dress: J. Mendel. Bracelet: Tiffany's. Shoes: Alexandre Birman.
My Globes dress was easily the hardest thing for me to find. You don't want to be as formal as the Oscars, but you don't want to go the cocktail dress option like you would with lesser awards or luncheons. But the second I saw this dress, I was like OH OH OH DRESS I HAVE FOUND YOU. The only thing I'd change is I'd hem it so it was an above-the-knee instead of a long skirt. Hair would be one of those soft side-ish bun things with all the tendrils on the face that, like, everyone wears because they look magnificent on everyone, makeup would be a bronzey-red lip and copper eyeshadow with a slight cat's eye so it's glam, but still understated, because I'm not a fan of heavy makeup, even if I'd want a slightly more made-up look than usual for this. My version of "slightly more made-up" is most people's version of wearing makeup.

Oscars



Dress: Elie Saab. Clutch: Alexander McQueen. Shoes: Donna Karan.

BEHOLD, THE DRESS THAT STARTED AN OBSESSION. The second I saw this Elie Saab dress I just had this visceral reaction. I knew this dress was meant for me (to ogle at, Jesus, even if I could afford it where would I wear it?) Though it also requires the most work. The back has a lot of weird asymmetrical draping you can see a bit of, which I'd like gotten rid of, it would need to be hemmed to fall just past my ankles, and while I could pull off that color, it's a lot of sparkle on a tiny body. But oh goodness, could you imagine if it was an evergreen silk? BAM. I don't care if that's not an "in" color right now, I would own that red carpet. Also, the clutch? It's not technically part of Alexander McQueen's "official" collection - it was in their runway show but they don't advertise it or sell it at Nordstrom's or somewhere ridiculously high-end, but the second I saw it I made a strangled choking sound of want. I don't care if it's a plastic replica, I want that clutch, oh gosh. Makeup would be very vintage-y - clean face, minimal eye makeup, bold red lip, and there would be zero jewelery, because a) who needs it with that clutch and b) I have plans for my hair. Namely, antique hair combs:


This comb by Carole Tanenbaum isn't exactly what I was going for, but it's close enough. Basically I love hair pieces. Love them. And since I love my hair so, so much and it really is the best accessory I could wish for I thought - why not wear my hair down, but pulled back softly at the sides and held up with those antique-y bejeweled pieces that stars always borrow from some vault and cannot lose under pain of death? SO GORGEOUS. I wish I had occasion to, in my non-fantasy life, actually do that. Or owned even fakey-looking replicas of such things.

Sigh, reality.


Edit: Iiiiii am officially creeped out.

So I've mentioned before that it sort of breaks my heart/amazes me a little how Joe and I have the same taste in stuff, right? I mean, granted, it's mostly stuff a lot of people (especially pretentious people) like, but more often than not, we agree. And I find that charming but not creepy because, well, a lot of people like Great Lake Swimmers and Oliver Sacks and stripey socks. Maybe not all at the same time, but still! It was more endearing that we had stuff in common than oh god get out of my brain. Except now he has officially reached levels of what the fucking what?!!? Because I started this post last night, and this morning when I woke up and went through my tumblr dash backlog/twitter, I saw that Joe updated. About loving Jon Brion.

Most of you are now going "who the fuck is Jon Brion?" THIS IS THE CORRECT RESPONSE, BECAUSE HE IS REALLY FUCKING OBSCURE. He's an instrumentalist/composer/producer who's one of those guys who has his fingers in a million indie pies, but you wouldn't know unless you specifically knew to look for him. He's most well known for composing the scores to exactly three movies: Magnolia, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I ♥ Huckabees, none of which are exactly classics everybody has watched, let alone listened to the scores to. Except me. Because I fell utterly in love with the Eternal Sunshine score, which is very, very strange, considering that usually music without words is not my deal. I don't have Magnolia (sorry, I'm not the hugest fan of Aimee Mann), but I do have the I ♥ Huckabees soundtrack, in spite of never seeing it, because I just love Jon Brion that fucking much. I love him so much, in fact, that in addition to wishing to one day have him compose the score to my life, he is my ringtone. In fact, he is several of my ringtones. The only thing he isn't on my phone is my alarm clock, because then I'd just stay in bed listening instead of getting up to take my pills and turn the damn thing off. And the reason I chose him, in addition to the fact that I straight-up just love the guy? HE'S SO OBSCURE I WILL NEVER CONFUSE MY RINGTONE WITH ANYONE ELSE'S.

SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS? WHAT THE FRIGGDY FRACK IS GOING ON HERE.

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chibirhm

August 2011

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