Anyone object to us being referred to as donuts?

[chibirhm]

Happy Sunday morning, everyone! Were you using that spot next to you? No? Good, because here is my brain, and I'm going to dump it RIIIIIGHT there.

MY IMPORTANT THOUGHTS ON MUSIC AND FANFICTION
So I totally hated Ellie Goulding based on Starry-Eyed and was like WHATEVER, but then I heard this song in some fanvid that honesty I don't even remember anymore:

J'ADORE. It's such a perfect Arthur/Eames song (or really any ship in Inception, let's not lie) and goes with a fic idea I've been wanting to write for them, but I'm sort of flailing on how to even start, because like all my ideas it's all ~epic relationship exploration~ instead of just a nice, 5K bit of fluff or porn like everyone probably would prefer. Also, I have this random idea that I also want to have a companion piece from Yusuf's point of view, which would require a LOT of research because my knowledge of chemistry/Kenya/Yusuf's ethnicity (he's Muslim, I think? I think someone referred to him as "Desi"? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, GUYS. I mean, I know there are Muslims in that part of Africa because of trade and I paid attention in ninth grade history, but therein ends my knowledge) is pretty nil. Also I really want to finish that Merlin/Inception mashup I started for cherrybina's necking meme ages ago, only it seems it's going to have zero necking in it, because I defy authority or some shit. Also, it went and decided it needed to develop a plot, but I have no fucking clue what the plot is supposed to be. AUGH MY LIFE.

Also, I feel sort of bad because so many people are like OH NO PEOPLE ARE LEAVING MERLIN FOR INCEPTION and blah blah JEALOUSY. And honestly, I'm not. I've also got a Sherlock fic I outlined before realizing there simply was not enough source material in three episodes to write it. It'll probably get filled in once they actually make more episodes. I actually do have a lot of ideas for Merlin fic, but I've found I hate writing during the season, because inevitably the next episode will air and totally ruin everything I've written and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. I'd prefer not to finish anything until the season is over, thank you, and instead twiddle my thumbs finishing Inception fics because new canon won't keep being added for the sole purpose of MAKING ME CRY.

In conclusion, yesterday franticsga noticed that Merlin and Ariadne are sartorial soulmates, and then I made some demands, and now I really want them filled. I'm maybe a little sad no one filled my Silly Bands prompt.

MY IMPORTANT THOUGHTS ON PORN

So I make no secret that I'm a non-sexual person to the point of ridiculousness but just shy of asexuality. I read NC-17 fic, but more as a satisfying plot point that ties up a story through physical action. I also make no secret of the fact that I've never had sex, or really even a positive sexual experience (surprise! Fifteen year old boys are bad kissers), since I'm not the one-night-stand type, and for various reasons I've had either casual dates or many-year emotional and clandestine affairs with guys, but I've never had an actual, proper boyfriend since freshman year of high school for all sorts of reasons. Namely that I was really fucked up in (or because of) high school and then the fucked-uppedness of high school took a while to sort through, and when your shit is not together, you're not exactly in a place to be in a relationship, let alone boinking dudes. Or at least, I'm not. Like I said, I don't do casual.

Anyway, I have a lot of problems with porn, mainly that I find all the playacting ridiculous and the least arousing thing ever, but when Melissa linked to a bunch of amateur stuff and was like I SWEAR THIS IS AWESOME I was like "oh, alright. I'm an adult. I should at least try it. For at least educational reasons."

HAH HAH HAH, I am still so disturbed by what I saw. Not all the parts were awful! There was a clip of two guys that if I squinted and covered up their bottom halves with my hand the top half where they were kissing and petting each other was nice. Oh, kissing! Kissing is so nice! But watching this confirmed a few things for me:

ONE: I am interested in having sex one day, provided I really have feelings for the person I'm with. Anything I have no emotional connection to is never, ever, ever going to be satisfying for me. In fact, I'll find it more disturbing than I will rewarding.

TWO: Dudes should have hair in certain places. There. I said it. Don't shave your legs, dudes.

THREE: Oh my god, sex is so awkward. First of all people make the weirdest noises and I knew intellectually they were supposed to be pleased noises, but I kept thinking "OH NO THAT GUY IS GETTING HURT! WHY ARE THEY HURTING HIM?!!?" And then the hip action! I'm sorry, I just started laughing hysterically because the either look like they're bouncing on a trampoline or are dogs humping someone's leg or doing awkward Bar Mitzvah dancing and it made me go WHY DO PEOPLE WATCH SEX WHEN SEX IS REALLY SO AWKWARD.

FOUR: When I am uncomfortable with something, I start searching instinctively for ANYTHING that will make me feel comfortable because it's something I understand. Like the infamous time where I blurted out that erect penises reminded me of when you microwaved a hot dog for too long and it gets dehydrated.(THE VEINS ARE WEIRD AND THEY'RE STRANGE COLORS, OKAY.) This time, I wondered about various bodily fluids. In pictures, do they use the real stuff? Is there a formula they use like how they use glue in cereal commercials so the food doesn't get soggy? Do they keep vats of it in case a porn star doesn't produce enough?

CONCLUSION: Porn is probably great for other people, but I am not one of those people. I should leave it to the experts.

MERLIN AND SHIT
So I have to save the majority of my Merlin thoughts for work, but the one thought I had that didn't make it to the column was that I just want to watch the show on mute for this episode, because oh my god EVERYONE WAS SO PRETTY. (Well, not really you, Richard Wilson, but that's not your fault. Your tongue was having problems.) Colin Morgan makes my heart melt into a squidgy puddle and I just CANNOT DEAL. UGH. HIS WIDDLE FAAAAACE. I want to smoosh him up and squeeze him close because he looks like a TINY KITTEN. Eh, there was a plot? I DID NOT NOTICE OR CARE, COLIN MORGAN HAS DIMPLES.

Also, I blame ella_bane for continuing the discussion yesterday of Bradley and Colin as superheroes, because while I was waiting for my download I went to the Marvel Superhero Creator (you're welcome, members of my friends list who have kids) and through the power of that and Photoshop, made an informative graphic of what Bradley James would look like as Captain Wow:



Please note he doesn't have a cape. Edna Mode taught me valuable life lessons.

KATY PERRY'S BOOBS, PARENTING, AND YOU

So for you non-Americans or just generally oblivious people reading this, apparently there is some sort of giant controversy that when Katy Perry went on Sesame Street, she showed too much boob action while playing with Elmo and so now there's some whole national debate. Here is the clip in question:

...really? I won't lie, I thought that it was a bit boob-y for a kid's show, but whatever. Most kids breastfeed, or see women wearing even more revealing clothing like that when they so much as go to the supermarket, it's not like they don't know what honkers look like. And these are kids watching. They don't care! I babysit extensively, okay, and let me tell you, if it's hot or you're trying to dress a kid who's under five or so, it's victory if you can get them to put on fucking underwear.

Unless a parent is dumb enough to POINT OUT to a child that this lady is showing her boobs and it's bad, a child won't notice. I say dumb enough because my child-rearing philosophy is firmly in the laissez-faire category. I have learned, through much observation, that the fewer things you tell your child NOT to do, the better. Save DON'T DO THAT for things like "running with a knife" or "kicking puppies" or "becomming a drug addict and pregnant at the age of twelve". Otherwise, your child racks up a gold mine of ways to crank your gears the second they reach adolescence and rebel way worse than the kids who were raised to believe they're intelligent enough to make everyday decisions for themselves.

Heck, the don't even have to reach adolescence. I used to work at an eco-friendly hippy-dippy toy store. Now, you'd think uber-conservative parents would be the ones who were restrictive of their kids, but no. All parents have the crazy gene. I can't tell you how many moms stood around talking about how great forcing their children on a gluten and wheat free diet was. Which was so hard to keep my nose out of, let me tell you. I'm of the firm belief that a child who has no gluten allergies should be allowed to eat whatever the hell they want. It's like up there in "cruel diets to enforce upon you child" right up there with veganism. And you think your kid isn't sneaking ho-hos and twinkies at school when you're not watching? Please.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure there's some sort of chemical reaction that happens when you're a parent that things you realized that were very smart when you were a teenager babysitting suddenly get completely forgotten and you start thinking crazy shit is a good idea for how to take care of your precious munchkin.