chibirhm | Shalom, motherfuckers.

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challah!

Shalom, motherfuckers.

So, I've mentioned this a few times, but in case the memo has been missed - I'm Jewish. Culturally, anyway. I don't really consider my spiritual beliefs to be adherent to any religion and thus I've chosen, as an adult, to opt out of the temple-going Hebrew-speaking part, but I've become increasingly enamored with holidays and traditions and such. And really, I enjoy being Jewish. My favorite part is probably the food (if any of you have never had kugel, or even a properly-made bagel, I apologize. You are missing out on life). But I also like having holidays and customs that are different from other people's, and I like having a strong, unique cultural heritage to identify with and carry on. I really, really appreciate what growing up Jewish has brought me in terms of valuing education and family and tradition. Also, I enjoy the fact that if someone is yelling at me about my white privilege, all I have to do to get them off my back is point to myself and go "Jewish", and then they stop. And that is super duper handy, let me tell you.

The point is, besides the food, my favorite thing about being Jewish is that you belong to a pretty awesome club. Not only are tons of super-famous and talented people Jewish or half-Jewish, but a lot of inventors are Jewish. You're welcome, by the way, for the polio vaccine, the cell phone camera, blue jeans, the remote control, the shopping cart, vinyl records, and the sports bra. Thus, when your dad does something like e-mail you this:

You can point at it and go "THEM'S MY PEEPS", and they are. They're your peeps. So maybe yeah, on a whole, Jews are not the greatest athletes, and we have a really high rate of mental health problems, and we will nag you and stuff your face with food until kingdom come, but we're awesome, okay? We are seriously, seriously awesome.

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I'm Jewish.

No shit Julia, really?

JUST BECAUSE YOU KNOW DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE DOES.

PLUS YOU'VE MET ME IN PERSON, AND SEEN MY FAMILY. THIS MAKES IT A LOT MORE OBVIOUS.

JULIA WE JUST HAD A GIANT CONVERSATION IN BINA'S JOURNAL ABOUT YOU BEING JEWISH. AND EVERY TIME YOU TALK ABOUT JGL YOU ARE LIKE "WE WERE BOTH RAISED BY JEWISH HIPPIES". THIS IS IN NO WAY AT ALL A SURPRISING FACT.

YEAH BUT MOST PEOPLE DON'T READ ALL MY COMMENTS ON BINA'S JOURNAL. YOU'RE JUST SPECIAL.

BINA'S JOURNAL IS THE PLACE TO RANDOMLY READ PEOPLE'S COMMENTS. SURPRISE PORN AND/OR PICSPAMMS OFTEN LURKS THERE.

AND EVERY TIME YOU TALK ABOUT JGL YOU ARE LIKE "WE WERE BOTH RAISED BY JEWISH HIPPIES".

ALL THREE OF US WERE RAISED BY JEWISH HIPPIES

BOOYAH. MAH PEEPS!

WHAT UP, HOMESLICE. YOU WON'T BE STEALING MY MAN FROM ME, WILL YOU?

JGL? NAAAAAH he's--WELL ACTUALLY HE IS TOO MUCH OF A JEWISH HIPPIE FOR ME. IRONICALLY ENOUGH. I grew up with those. IT HAS LOST ITS APPEAL A LONG TIME AGO. even though JGL is exceptionally hot. I'LL GO WITH--

OHGOD CAN'T. think of any. hot jewish dudes THIS IS HOW TIRED I AM JULIA OF ALL THE JEWS IN THE WORLD I CAN'T THINK OF ONE

*stumbles & slips & falls asleep on floor*

Normally I don't go for Jewish dudes at all! JGL is in fact the exception, and not the rule. Generally, the dudes I like are German, by some random twist of fate. That is, when they're white. The T is well-populated by super-fine dudes who are either Black or of Varied Asian Descent (like, all over that continent, from the Middle East to the Japan/China/Korea area) that I have not surveyed to ask where they, personally, hail from. But they are quite cute. But JGL. Man. He is like... my type. Squared. If someone went into my brain, like, when this JGL thing was nascent and burbling under the surface and made up a profile of what my ideal dude looked and acted like, HE WOULD PRETTY MUCH BE JGL'S BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER. I keep resisting doing a dudes I find attractive post because they are ALL THE SAME DUDE, who is essentially a variant of the Colin Morgan/JGL/Sufjan Stevens type, looks-wise, and personality wise is.... JGL's personality at least as far as we know. That guy who's all passionate about stuff and geeky, but in a chill, laid-back sort of way. Like, he's driven, but he's that good, relaxed guy who doesn't take stuff too seriously and loves puppies and children. The dude who will watch reality TV with you and both mock it AND dissect the psychological implications. You know. THAT GUY. DO YOU SEE WHY CLEARLY WHY JGL AND I ARE MFEO? THIS IS CLEARLY IN MY FUTURE, HELEEN, NOW YOU JUST HAVE TO CONVINCE BINA TO STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY MAN AND DO DIRTY THINGS TO HIS ASS.

I KNOW A LOT OF JEWISH HIPPIES, IT IS TRUE.

jews unite! we're pretty cool, what can i say. and proper bagels are GOD.

(also, we have gotten more hate than basically any other group, ever. what's with that? i remembered i watched a video of jewish history in school one time, and the high point was when, for like sixty years, we controlled jerusalem. and then the romans took it from us! and six different groups of people banished us/tried to kill us, and we didn't even get up to the christians yet. it was crazy.)

My friend went to college in Richmond and her friends there thought "bagels" were those frozen things you got in twelve-packs. SACRILEGE.

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD:

i grew up in new york, so that thought is both inexcusable and AWFUL to me. i go to camp in massachusetts and the one thing my friends demand i bring are proper new york bagels. DELICIOUS.

Yeah, I live in the greater Boston area so there are a LOT of amazing bagel places (both my parents are from around NYC and my family is still there, so I've hand New York bagels too). But apparently in non-Jewish area a "bagel" is stale, round bread. MALIGNING MY PEOPLE.

ALRIGHT, TALK TO YA LATER RYAN SEACREST.

SEND A STAMPED, SELF-ADDRESSED MATZAH TO...

LOL

puckling beat me to it. :P

OKAY SOME PEOPLE HAVE NOT BEEN MY FRIEND FOR SEVEN YEARS.

(omg seven years is right, I looked it up. I FEEL SO OLD.)

OMG YOU LOOKED IT UP!? WHERE DID YOU FIND OUR ~BEGINNINGS~?

2003! WE ARE SO OLD-SCHOOL.

MAN THAT'S SOME EPIC BACKSTORY.

WE'RE LIKE THE MARSHALL AND LILY OF LIVEJOURNAL.

I WOULD TOTALLY HIRE A MARCHING BAND TO MEET YOU AT THE AIRPORT!

If the appropriate response to this post is jealousy then you have succeeded in your mission.

WE ACCEPT CONVERTS.

Well I'm not Jewish but thanks for the sports bra Whaaaat!!!!!

YOU'RE WELCOME. There was a lot more medical stuff as people we have done, but I didn't understand the explanations they gave on wikipedia.

There was a lot more medical stuff as people we have done, but I didn't understand the explanations they gave on wikipedia.

*pets* There, there. You at least understand the shopping cart, and that's something.

I always knew you came from awesome, girl. The only thing wrong with that is John Mayer. Sorry, if he's Jewish but he's a douche. Was that Helen Hunt, wonder what happened to her.

Actually, a lot of the people in there aren't Jewish, so he might not be either. Also, I think Helen Hunt's been doing indie stuff? IDK, IMDB! My answer to everything.

I totally know that a lot of them aren't Jewish! Oh, Brian Williams why so awesome. He truly makes the best cameos ever. Helen Hunt has aged pretty well.

Can I CLAIM Brian Williams as Jewish?

Williams sounds like an Irish Catholic name, so I claim him for our team, bb. Patrick Stewart sounds totally willing to convert. Don Johnson---WTF how does he look better now than when he was on Nash Bridges.

SOOOOOOOOO TIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEED HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS ESSAY JULIA. HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR FORTY EIGHT HOURS. HAVE NOT SLEPT IN--I HAVE LOST COUNT. ALL I KNOW IS THAT THE SUN WENT DOWN AND CAME UP AGAIN AND I AM STILL WRITING. ALSO MY EYES ARE PRICKLY. AND I LOOK LIKE A ZOMBIE.

BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I AM AWESOME AT THAT OTHER THING MY JEWISH PART OF THE FAMILY HAS PERFECTED OVER THE YEARS: PROCRASTINATION. LIKE A MOFO, MY FRIEND. LIKE A MOFO.

I wish I could live in this post right now, man. THIS IS ALL I NEED. REAFFIRMATION THAT ME AND MY FAT JEW FACE ARE AWESOME. I actually lol'd a lot at the 'sometimes I say I'm jewish, and people say I didn't know you were jewish! and I say really? And they say no, not really' BECAUSE THAT HAPPENS TO ME TOO. like. what gave it away? was it EVERYTHING? did EVERYTHING give it away? I look more Jewish than my MOTHER. Who is--well. quite jewish. only my grandmother looks more jewish than me. But I'm pretty sure I'll look like her in some forty years time.

OH MY GOD LOOK AT HOW I START TALKING WHEN I AM DEPRIVED OF SLEEP

AND I NEED TO WRITE ACADEMICALLY IN THIS STATE D:

one more thousand words to go. AND THEN I'M ONE. ONLY ONE THOUSAND AND I'M DONE. i wish someone had coffee D:

omg Heleen I wish I could transport myself there RIGHT NOW because we have a chocolate kicking around our house called, like "Super Caffeine Kick" that everyone is afraid to eat, and I would GIVE IT TO YOU.

YOUR FACE IS NOT FAT YOU IGNORANT SLUT. YOUR FACE IS GORGEOUS. Though omg, I have been told so many times that I am lying about being Jewish because I'm a redhead. Like I don't know if I'm Jewish! Clearly, a RANDOM STRANGER knows better than me! THIS IS IN NO WAY INSULTING.

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