Breakin' up is hard to do.

REJECTION LETTERS TO PEOPLE WHO SPAM MY INBOX

Dear Christian Coalition of America,

How the fuck did you even get my e-mail? Seriously? I'm Jewish. Here, let me break this down for you. You: Jesus. Me: No Jesus. You: Multiple testaments. Me: Keeping it old-school. Also, I eat babies and control the media you don't, but for obvious PR reasons my people like to keep that on the down-low.

In conclusion, stop mailing me.

Love, Me


Dear MoveOn.Org,

In theory, things should work between us. You're a bunch of socialist hippies, I'm a socialist hippie, we have a lot in common. But I think of you like my socially awkward cousin that I may be ideologically related to, but totally don't want to admit that we're related in public. I know I gave you my e-mail, but that was only to get that awesomesauce Obama sticker you were offering for free if I did so. I have un-subscribed from your mailing list about ten times. STOP CALLING ME.

Love, Me


Dear President Obama,

I promise I'm voting Democratic this election season. Seriously. I still love you. You're still beautiful just the way you are. You're just getting a little desperate.

Love, Me.


Dear USY,

Why do you still e-mail me? I went to one of your events six years ago because my mom made me. I hated it then, and I still don't want to go to your events now. Especially since I am about four years too old to do so. And I certainly don't want to donate anything to Israel. Do you want to hear my thoughts on Israel? Will that get me kicked out of you enough for you to STOP E-MAILING ME? Because I'll do it.

Love, Me.

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( And now, our weekly dose of Colin and Bradley, dumbfaces in love. )