quite a lot of trouble for such a pretty little girl

ONE!
So I knew vaguely there was racefail stuff going on in Inception fandom but I was avoiding it because I hate racefail. HATE IT. Last year's hubbub turned me off of people trying to out politically correct each other. I'm trying to refrain from a race rant because hello, wank, no one needs more of it. A lot has been said and really, it's been over a week. No fuel needs to be added to the fire. I'm just going to say these few things, which are my reactions to most racefail and which I feel are still relevant/important:

One, authors are not their characters. I'm not taking sides when I say this on the actual wank being discussed, I'm just saying this as an author who has had this mistake made about their work, and it's always been a pet peeve. My characters are not me. They do not represent my point of view. They do not do what I would do. They don't have to be perfect people, because real people aren't perfect. Real people make racist comments, or sexist comments, or dumb comments. If I want to write a character who tells his wife to go back to the kitchen where she belongs, this doesn't mean I think women should all go back to the kitchen, or that he necessarily has to be a villain to say that. (Even though I like to be in the kitchen. Actually, is it my day to do dishes? Fuck.) I don't like the idea that I, as an author, should have to warn for that, or put a little asterisk/footnote saying "BY THE WAY THIS IS NOT MY POINT OF VIEW". Shouldn't that be self-evident? My neighbors, all of them, are extremely nice people. But most of them are hardcore, Fox News-watching, homophobic, and semi-racist as well. Life isn't that cut and dry, and fiction shouldn't have to be either.

I'm saying this regardless of what was said in the fic that got people in a hubbub because it was supposedly racist, appropriate or not. I didn't actually read the fic (though I did read the passage people complained about). I don't actually care what was said and who said what. That is not the point. The point is, from an author's point of view, can I just complain about this phenomenon in general? If I write a character who has a nervous tic, no one assumes I have that nervous tic. If I write a character who's alcoholic, people don't assume I'm alcoholic. (I hope.) Sometimes I need to write a character saying something despicable, and so I don't see why someone should then assume that nothing else relates to my actual point of view, but that comment does.

The fact of the matter is, sometimes people say offensive things in real life, no matter how good-intentioned they are. I know I have. I'm not saying it's GOOD it happens, but the feeling that you have to make your characters perfectly eloquent, PC, walking advertisements for The Right Way To Handle Situations, and sparkling bastions of humanity is, from an author's point of view, extremely hampering. And irritating. And generally, bad.

Two, The fandom corner of the internet is, in general, an extremely accepting place. When racefail does erupt, it's usually over something pretty small. I care about -isms. I care a lot about social justice. In an ideal world, perhaps these are things we should nitpick over but really? This is, no matter how you look at it, nitpicking. There are big freaking instances of -isms out in the world. Like, here is some racism I posted about yesterday. And here is some really heinous homophobia. (By the way, I don't believe in hell, but I absolutely believe that when this guy dies, he will be burning in it.)

Fandom is a large place that can make a lot of change and do a lot of good and raise a lot of awareness. If we're going to do that, why are we wasting time on internet fights over interrogating texts from the wrong perspective or getting into fights that boil down to "you're more internally racist and have more privilege!" "no, you're more internally racist and have more privilege!"?

I would love to live in a world where a throwaway potentially racist line in a piece of fanfiction is, in fact, the worst thing that happens in the big, wide world of -isms and intolerance. But we do not live in that world, and for that reason, this entire thing is fucking ridiculous.

If fandom would like to discuss the problems that are legitimately problematic in the world today, I will be there marching in the parade and cheering on the forces of progressiveness and acceptance and spreading the word loud and far. But if fandom is continue getting into silly slapfights, I'm going to continue to roll my eyes and ignore fandom when it comes to race and discussing and wanking about it, because seriously? Seriously? There are a limited number of hours in a day, and the number of hours I'm willing to budget out for being annoyed is even more limited. At some point, in order to remain relatively sane and healthy, you need to make a threshold of things that get you all foaming at the mouth, because the world is so full of irritating things that if you were actually irritated by everything that maybe deserved to get upset over, you would not have time to sleep. I like sleep. I like being sane. I like being happy. If I'm going to be asked to get upset, I'd prefer it was over something that was, you know, actually a big problem that effects a lot of the world at large as opposed to, say, a hundred people on the internet.

But that's just me.


( A lot of less heavy and unimportant stuff about Project Runway, Taylor Swift, Fox News, fic recs, otters, Merlin, Glee, dogs, pumpkin carving, rallies, and Bones DVDs. In that order. )

Man, I should... start looking into posting shorter entries more often. The problem is that I can go, like, a week and a half with nothing to say, and then all at once I have about TEN BILLION THINGS TO GET OUT. Like right now. I'm sorry. I just have so many ~thoughts and feelings~.

I meant to do my weekly post of this earlier, only then I accidentally passed out and napped for two hours. Oops. Maybe it was because after I saw this my body COULD NOT FUNCTION FROM THE ADORABLE:

WHAT THE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. I think this proves my/cherrybina's theory that Bradley James is actually a puppy. (I'm not sure who thought up this theory first. We sort of... simultaneously started referring to him as such, and then she had photo evidence, and then I started spamming her with videos of puppies on Youtube that were secretly Bradley, and now it's become so obvious it's like trying to figure out who thought up gravity first. BRADLEY JAMES IS A HUMAN PUPPY. THIS IS ALL ANYONE EVER NEEDS TO KNOW.)

But seriously. Guys, I do TRY not to tinhat. I really do. Not because I think it's shameful or wrong to tinhat, but mostly because I'm just THAT PERSON. I'm that person who believes that everyone is a special snowflake with a valid point of view and if I could just walk a mile in their shoes I would understand blah blah blah. I argue against myself all the time. Literally, okay, I take a Legal Philosophy class, and we were using various readings to argue both sides of a case, and everyone else was half-asleep or something, so first I argued for the prosecution, and then when no one was offering anything for the defense, I raised my hand again and destroyed all my previous points. Even though I agreed with them. I just knew how to destroy them. I AM THAT PERSON. I may feel a certain way about things, but I refuse to passionately embody them until I have considered every viable option otherwise and proven to myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that yes, this is true.

So I really try to understand the "just friends" argument with Bradley and Colin. I do. They're sweet boys and don't deserve another someone convinced they are omg so meant for each other and planning their wedding if they don't feel that way. (Regardless of if they have no idea I feel this way or not.) I've been in the situation where people were convinced I just HAD to date someone who I felt icky about, and it sucks. I would feel guilty doing so. BUT THEY ARE MAKING IT VERY HARD FOR ME. I mean, come the fuck on, Bradley's flaw is that he can't leave Colin alone? And then Colin's face and laugh when he's all "oh, I don't mind"? WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT. And the STARING contest. Good Lord, I was simultaneously enjoying that and feeling distinctly like I should get a room or maybe they should get a room because this was clearly something private going on. Plus, Colin's little smile. Oh god. I've told you about my fascination with Colin's Bradley-specific (or assumed to be Bradley-specific, as I have never seen them used on anyone else) smiles, right? (I plan on picspamming this later to convince all the doubters). So for now, believe me, Colin has two specific Bradley smiles (assuming he's not laughing at Bradley. These are JUST smiles. Colin laughs at everyone the same way). They are:

a) Partially open-mouthed, just enough to show the tops of his teeth, generally indicating private amusement, such as Bradley referring to an inside joke or Bradley being an idiot. The "I am laughing at you on the inside, you massive idiot" smile.

b) Close-mouthed smile/smirk where his eyes hardly crinkle at all but juuuust enough to make them appear gentler. This generally appears when Bradley's doing something Colin seems to like/find endearing. Famously appeared quite often on the road trip and has the effect of making Colin look like a moony-eyed idiot. I refer to this as the "oh, you" smile.

AND COLIN SPENT THE ENTIRE STARING CONTEST INCAPABLE OF KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE (which is weird, because he's a really good actor) WITH THE BIGGEST OH, YOU SMILE ON AND GOADING BRADLEY INTO STARING INTO HIS EYES SOME MORE. WHAT THE FAAAAAAAACK. How am I as a rational human being supposed to believe that two straight dudes or at least dudes that have no romantic goings-on do that shit? WHAT KINDS OF PEOPLE ENGAGE IN STARING CONTESTS LIKE THAT? OR SMILE ALL SPECIAL AT EACH OTHER? OR GO ON ROAD TRIPS OR DISCUSS THEIR FUTURES OR DO ALL THE CRAZY STUFF BRADLEY AND COLIN DO? I GIVE UP, OKAY. I GIVE UP TRYING TO BELIEVE ANYTHING BUT THAT THESE TWO ARE HAND-HOLDING, COMMITMENT-CEREMONY-PLANNING, DUMBFACE IN LOVE. AND I WILL CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THIS SO LONG AS THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE THE OTHER ONE IS THE SUN AND MOON AND STARS WITH SWEET LITTLE SMILES AND STANDING SO CLOSE AND ASLKJFSLKDKSJDF.

I NEED TO GO LIE DOWN.

You know what's really tiring and irksome? When people complain about you on the internet/use something you said to start an internet fight/hatefest, only instead of actually saying "what you said/did bothered me", they just... go do it somewhere else instead of addressing the problem to you. It is doubly worse if you don't know the person or have never actually spoken to them in your life, and then wham! There they are! Complaining!

I'm used to this happening on the Mean Meme, because that is what the Mean Meme exists for. Mostly, when they do it, it amuses me more than anything else. But this week it happened on some articles I wrote, and on some people's livejournals, and it's really getting old. I could understand if I was some sort of big deal, people would go complain elsewhere instead of saying "yo, what you're doing is whack". Like, if someone wrote a nationally syndicated column or made a post on a Big Deal Blog like Gawker or something in which they said something douchey, I wouldn't leave a comment there because would never read it/care. But seriously, me? I now fall in the "it's not worth leaving a comment" category? People can't talk to me? I talk about gay dudes and write fake come-ons by Thomas Aquinas and blabber about my gerbil. I am an extremely un-influential, super-boring person. I am not a big deal at all. I'm a very little deal. I'm still not sure when I even entered into deal-dom.

Sigh. Instead of discussing this, let's discuss two people who aren't tiring/irksome and are actually a big deal. At least, to me:

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEIR FACES. HOW DO THEY MANAGE TO BE MORE DELIGHTFUL EVERY WEEK? I love all the gratuitous Colin's Profile Porn we get (I have this thing for Colin's profile. Namely: it is the most freakishly beautiful profile to ever exist ever. I feel it should be exploited and used more often. Or perhaps put on a coin, since that's where the profile of awesome people goes.), I love how cute and giggly they are with each other (and that Colin's response to Bradley going "I'll give you a hint - RAAAAAAAR" was not "a dying crow?" because that would have been my guess), and I continue to be enamored with the fact that there is a very special smile Colin uses on Bradley that he doesn't use with anyone else. At one point, I should probably go around gathering actual proof so I sound less like a crazy person, but there's this smile, I swear, okay. He only smiles part-way, so just the tops of his top teeth are showing, and his eyes don't go into full-on crinkle mode, but do jusssst at the edges and it's so fond I can't stand it. I SWEAR I AM NOT CRAZY AND THIS EXISTS, OKAY. I have asked for confirmation from people who don't even ship these two and they've gone HOLY SHIT YOU ARE RIGHT. It's entirely possible they were humoring me, but it totally is there! I'm not kidding! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT OKAY.

But regardless, I LOVE THEIR FACES AND THEIR BFF-NESS (SLASH POSSIBLY MORE) AND EVERYTHING THEY CHOOSE TO BE. THE END.

( ALSO I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS ON THIS WEEK'S MERLIN. )

Edit: This entry was supposed to go up late this afternoon, but my homework ended up taking way longer than it was supposed to, and on top of that, the gerbil had a stroke.

Gerbils are generally pretty healthy, hardy little creatures, but once they get older, they are prone to having strokes. As Tess is nearly three, she's quite elderly for a gerbil. She'd been oddly sleepy all day (especially considering that she was manic this weekend - jumping for eight hours straight and refusing to be calmed), but I figured she was just making up for being crazy for the last few days. I started to worry around eight-ish, and when I went to touch her to wake her, she was ice cold and shaking uncontrollably. And when she uncurled and tried to walk away, she could barely coordinate her paws, and ended up bumbling and swaying around the cage, knocking into the sides. (Actually, if she was perfectly fine otherwise, I would have assumed she was drunk, and it would have been kind of cute.) I immediately picked her up and started bawling, which made my dad, who was the only one home with me, feel very awkward and uncomfortable, since he's always been of the opinion that it's weird to keep a rodent in the house and feed it on purpose, and shouldn't he go release it at the park for the owls to eat like he does with the mice in our basement? After I collected myself, I immediately swaddled the gerbil up in an old flannel sheet and looked up the symptoms. And let's just say, it's a good thing I checked in on her when I did.

Just like when humans have strokes, not all gerbil strokes are created equal. When a gerbil has a stroke, one of four things can happen:

1. It kills the gerbil immediately.
2. The gerbil becomes paralyzed/incapacitated and has to be put down for humane reasons.
3. The gerbil suffers subsequent strokes and, after being already compromised, dies.
4. The gerbil has a rough patch and eventually is fine.

After calling around to the vet (yes, she has a vet, she had conjunctivitis when she was little, which got so bad mostly because I felt like an idiot getting a vet for a gerbil. I relented when I started having to open her eyes for her and wipe out the pink goop at least once a day), and then the veterinary hospital (the vet was closed), and then the breeder (because the hospital said I should bring her in for diagnostics and bloodwork, and all I could think was "she just had a stroke, you want me to give her a heart attack by stressing her out that much? Also, she's a gerbil"), a few things became clear. One, the gerbil, in all likelihood, was going to be okay. Normally the strokes come in rapid succession, and the more hours she went without one the better. Two, the hospital would be useless. They could tell me exactly what type of stroke she had, but there isn't any medicine they could give her to make her better. Because, even though I act like she's not, she's a gerbil, it's not like gerbil neurological conditions are a lucrative market. Three, she had warmed up considerably, was very vocal when she didn't like how I had wrapped her, and ate a banana slice like she was starving and then gulped down a ton of water, all of which were signs of a healthy, recovering little beastie, before napping under the blanket I keep over my lap, curled up like a doormouse. She'll have to be watched closely for the next couple of days, and at night I'll be moving the cage up to my room, because it's warmer and there's a lamp I can put on her to keep her warm. But she's up and about and running around like almost-normal (she still occasionally wobbles).

So it's looking like, in conclusion, Little Miss Thang will be back to her sassy-ass self in no time. (She has already sassed me at least twice tonight.) I am extremely grateful to everyone who saw my frantic OMGWTF MY GERBIL HAD A STROKE BRB HAVING AN EMOTIONAL MELTDOWN tweet and responded so kindly, and to everyone who e-mailed me, and to all the love sent my way. On behalf of both myself and Her Majesty The Most Over-Loved Rodent in the Universe, thank you. We might have been able to do this without you, but it sure would have sucked a whole lot more.

I'm still feeling pretty shitty, thought not nearly as shitty today now that the sun is out and I talked to my therapist. At least I've started eating a little more again. Though mostly, who can feel like total shit when there are these two?



BRADLEY JAMES AND COLIN MORGAN, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU. SERIOUSLY, WHO ARE YOU. I AM 99% SURE YOU ARE ROBOTS DESIGNED TO MAKE ALL OTHER MEN SEEM INFERIOR BECAUSE THEY WILL NEVER BE ONE IOTA AS ADORABLE AS YOU ARE.

Anyway, I come to you all because I have SEVERAL REQUESTS, OH FRIENDSLIST:

One! SHOES! I tried going to Target but it was, as said before, a total bust. And I desperately need new shoes. So I know all of you (especially you, cherrybina) are shoe nuts, and I need you guys to recommend me good places to buy shoes, and online, because I've exhausted the local stores. Now, I've tried Modcloth and Zappos, and still finding nothing. I'd like free shipping, or at least low cost shipping. I also am not one for expensive shoes. Like, I'm willing to break $100 for boots, but for everything else I'd prefer $70 and under. I'm willing to do more, but reluctantly.

Basically, cheap shoes online. Gimmee. (I wouldn't say no to online clothes either, but shoes are the most desperately needed.)

Two! HAND OVER YOUR FAVORITE .GIFS. My collection is stagnant. My only requirements are the following:

1. It doesn't look jerky while looping
2. It's from something I actually like/watch (sorry, Golden Girls lovers, I've never done that whole thing.)

Three! There's an Inception fic where Arthur's mother is like a hardass dream extractor and raises him to be an automaton and Eames teaches him to be ~a real boy~. WHERE IS THAT FIC?!!?!? I've been looking for forever.