Breakin' up is hard to do.

[chibirhm]

REJECTION LETTERS TO PEOPLE WHO SPAM MY INBOX

Dear Christian Coalition of America,

How the fuck did you even get my e-mail? Seriously? I'm Jewish. Here, let me break this down for you. You: Jesus. Me: No Jesus. You: Multiple testaments. Me: Keeping it old-school. Also, I eat babies and control the media you don't, but for obvious PR reasons my people like to keep that on the down-low.

In conclusion, stop mailing me.

Love, Me


Dear MoveOn.Org,

In theory, things should work between us. You're a bunch of socialist hippies, I'm a socialist hippie, we have a lot in common. But I think of you like my socially awkward cousin that I may be ideologically related to, but totally don't want to admit that we're related in public. I know I gave you my e-mail, but that was only to get that awesomesauce Obama sticker you were offering for free if I did so. I have un-subscribed from your mailing list about ten times. STOP CALLING ME.

Love, Me


Dear President Obama,

I promise I'm voting Democratic this election season. Seriously. I still love you. You're still beautiful just the way you are. You're just getting a little desperate.

Love, Me.


Dear USY,

Why do you still e-mail me? I went to one of your events six years ago because my mom made me. I hated it then, and I still don't want to go to your events now. Especially since I am about four years too old to do so. And I certainly don't want to donate anything to Israel. Do you want to hear my thoughts on Israel? Will that get me kicked out of you enough for you to STOP E-MAILING ME? Because I'll do it.

Love, Me.

---

THE WEEKLY COLIN AND BRADLEY SHOW!

omgwtf ARE THESE BOYS EVEN REAL. AND WHO IS WRITING THESE SEGMENTS, ME?!?!? LET US RECAP WHAT WENT ON HERE. I MAY HAVE EMBELLISHED SLIGHTLY DUE TO MY HAZE OF DELIRIOUS JOY. BUT PLEASE DON'T RUIN MY ILLUSION, I SWEAR IT'S NOT THAT FAR OFF FROM THE TRUTH.

[Cut in: COLIN beaming at BRADLEY with his besotted dimples]

Colin: Ehm, I've been given orders to blindfold you. And then you're supposed to guess the object I put in you hand.
Bradley: Oh, like the game we played last night, only the object was your...
Colin: EHM YES RIGHT EYES COVERED YOU GO THEN.
[COLIN puts a mandrake root in BRADLEY's hand]
Bradley: This feels like a way kinkier version of what you put in my hand last night.
[COLIN sighs, but smiles, entire face crinkling up in exceedingly poorly hidden adoration]

Colin: Bradley, if you were a kyeck, what kind of kyeck would you be?
Bradley: If I were a what?
Colin: A kyeck, Bradley.
Bradley: What?
[COLIN gestures to plate full of sweets]
Bradley: Oh, Cols.
Colin: There's nothing wrong with the way I say kyeck!
Bradley: Of course not.
Colin: Answer the stupid question, Bradley.
Bradley: Well, I guess I'm a doughnut. I'm round. And I have a hole in the middle. Where my heart should be.
Colin: That sounds like a serious medical condition.
Bradley: I was trying to say it's because I gave it to you.
Colin: Aw, Bradley...
[They kiss rather passionately, and the camera swings upward to avoid watching.]
Colin: [Off-screen] I dunno, Bradley, there's another hole of yours I like much better...
Director: CUT!

Colin: [rumpled, slightly breathless] Alright, so if you were a fruit, what type of fruit would you be?
Bradley: Didn't we just establish that we're both massive fruits?
Colin: The kind you eat, idiot.
Bradley: Why are you calling me an idiot when some prop person put a carrot and lettuce on the fruit platter?
Colin: Good point.
Bradley: How about... a pineapple.
Colin: I'd be a dragonfruit. Because I work with a dragon.
Bradley: Cols, you know it's not a real dragon.
[COLIN pouts, which makes BRADLEY burst into laughter. Eventually both of them dissolve into gigglefits.]

[BLOOPERS REEL runs, in which COLIN kneels before BRADLEY'S crotch in a suggestive manner, and then they both pretend to be shocked by their positioning. No explanation is required.]

Colin: I think they might be catching on to us.
Bradley: No way. We're like the subtlest couple alive.

Comments

[hermette.livejournal.com]

Your brain is lovely.

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS ONLY HAPPENED IN MY BRAIN. I MEAN YOU SAW IT, RIGHT!?

[hermette.livejournal.com]

pretty close to it, yeah.

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS SOOOOO SUBTLE. LIKE THEY ARE NINJAS IN LOVE.

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAW.

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

AT THIS POINT THEY ARE JUST MOCKING US CRUELLY. MAKE OUT OR HOLD HANDS OR DO SOMETHING, YOU TWO. FFS.

[junkshop-disco.livejournal.com]

That is totally the director's cut of the quest vid.

Also I feel I should warn Colin that dragon fruit is so much less exciting than it sounds. I bought a dozen once on drunken impulse and ended up throwing most of them at the boys who lived next door. Unless that's what Colin meant, that he tastes disappointing but is unexpectedly dangerous when made into an impromptu weapon..?

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

I would bet that Colin is secretly allergic to dragonfruit. JUST BECAUSE HE WOULD BE.

[junkshop-disco.livejournal.com]

Poor Colin. I'm allergic to oranges and apple juice (but not actual apples) so if we ever tried to have dinner together it'd be 'yeah, just a glass of water for us and two straws, thx'.

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

It's how you and Colin maintain your girlish figures!

[junkshop-disco.livejournal.com]

I've seriously considered marketting my post-allergy-attack meal plan as a fad diet. Breakfast: hot water with lemon in. Lunch: ... there is no lunch, just as much black, sugarless coffee as you need to get you through the day. Dinner: Miso soup. Total calories consumed: 150!

He looks much better on it than I do, lol.

[anitac588.livejournal.com]

Thanks for making me laugh so much. *g*!!

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome!

[myfoolisheart.livejournal.com]

OH YOU. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. YOU'RE SO ACCURATE IN YOUR TRANSCRIPTING SKILLS. :D

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SAYING WITHOUT THEM SAYING IT. I AM... THE MASTER.

[gwy.livejournal.com]

No way. We're like the subtlest couple alive.

*snorts* KEEP THINKING THAT.

i loved this. I MEAN. HOW ARE THEY REAL IDK. GOD boys. :)

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

I WANT TO WRAP THEM UP IN PUFF PASTRY, DRIZZLE THEM IN CHOCOLATE, AND EAT THEM UP.

[alexi-lupin.livejournal.com]

WE'RE SO ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH, MAN.

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

LIKE BRADLEY AND COLIN?!?!

[alexi-lupin.livejournal.com]

YES, EXCEPT WITHOUT THE HOT MANSEX.

[phoenixacid.livejournal.com]

OMG YOU TOTES WINZ THE INTERNET BB.

*LUFFLES YOUR BRAIN AND SLEEPS IN IT*

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

HERE LET ME BRING YOU SOME BLANKETS.

[ras-elased.livejournal.com]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

BB, I LOVE YOU. SO MUCH. YOU SHOULD TRANSCRIBE ALL THE QUESTS FROM NOW ON JUST LIKE THIS. ♥

[chibirhm.livejournal.com]

PERHAPS I WILL. PERHAPS. I. WILL. *STROKES BEARD*