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This is a shallow post and I am a shallow person for posting it.
Man, Saturdays without Merlin are weird. I watched the Arthur/Merlin scenes put up online and I'm so glad I didn't put myself through the entirety of that episode, but I still feel weird for having missed it. (Though props to Monsieur Colin Morgan for making such a hilarious old man. Oh, Colincakes, when I think I can't go and love you more, you make it so I do.)
I feel so frustrated with this show, which is a really uncomfortable feeling for me. Like, spoiler alert, Arthur acts like a COMPLETE DOUCHE for the hundredth week in a row. Now, I would be fine with Arthur acting like a douche and being so fail when it comes to who he falls in love with and how he acts when he's in love if I knew that this was all feeding into some grand revelation he was going to have that he was acting like a total asshat. That wold be GREAT. If that were true, I would be cheering Arthur on to act like as much of a jerk as possible. But I know that's not going to happen. Hell, I'm pretty sure the writers think that Arthur is making progress as a human being/future king, which I honestly find a little worrying. And so when I have no faith, I feel like I'm watching them do a giant disservice to everyone to the point where it's almost disrespectful. It's disrespectful the fans, the character, Bradley, who's proven himself so capable, and frankly, the show itself, which is squandering its potential. Isn't Arthur supposed to not be a jackass? Isn't that his JOURNEY? And if they don't want to have Merlin do the job because that's too homoerotic, wasn't that supposed to be Gwen's job? That was the premise I was sold in S2, and all she seems to be doing is making him brattier and brattier. I don't care who the fuck does that job, at this point, but I need someone to. And if they won't let Gwen do it as a love interest and they certainly won't let MERLIN do it as a love interest, can they please allow Merlin to do it as a friend? Something? Anything?
This on top of the missing quest (which I choose to believe is not going up because there was no way they could edit around Colin and Bradley making out) on top of the deleted scenes that just came out, all of which explain SO MUCH about the episode and SHOULD have been part of it, is making me extremely irritated at the entirety of the Merlin production staff. Get your heads out of your asses, Beeb/Shine/The J's. I'm tired of having to watch all your failures and then fix them with fanfiction, which I can't even START until the season ends because you still have three whole episodes to fail at life. The episode commentaries for the first half of S3 are up, and I'm exceedingly disappointed that they only have two and that the Richard and Angel one is not only boring but for episode 3, the most boring filler episode of all filler episodes. Also, what a weird and awkward pairing, Angel and Richard. And what does Angel even have to say about that episode? Farting? Because that's, like, all Gwen does is fart and pet Arthur's donkey ears. How does ANYONE comment on that? How does anyone comment on that episode period? I'm pretty sure not even the most entertaining person in the universe could find a way t make that commentary awesome. At least the Bradley and Katie commentary is hilarious and delightful. I needed SOMETHING awesome and Merlin-related. So thank you, Bradley, for being adorably whiny about how all the knights have better hair and pecs than you. I needed that today. And thank god next few episodes look amazing, because I need this yucky feeling regarding Merlin to go away. It's deeply unnatural feeling.
ANYWAY, to distract myself from yucky Merlin feelings, I suggest we discuss one of the best subjects in the world to discuss, ever. Namely, hot mens. You know how there's this meme going around where it's a survival of the hottest thing, like, when you vote down the least attractive person out of ten someone's chosen until ONLY THE HOTTEST REMAIN? Like, the Battle Royale of sex?![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
frantic_allonsy is doing it, and staraflur did it, and it looks like a lot of fun, and so honestly, I'd really like to do this meme. But there is a problem. I said this last entry and I'll say it again: when it comes to guys who I find attractive beyond "a very good-looking guy I'd say yes to if he asked me out on a date", I have narrow taste.
If we're just talking guys I find cute or attractive enough to make me do a double take or think "he's kinda cute!", there are many. Multitudes. HORDES. When it comes to guys I just find plain old good-looking (personality markers such as clothing choices or habits aside), all you really need is to be notably taller than me (at 4'11", this isn't exactly difficult), someone most people would consider vaguely attractive (like, I'm open-minded, but not enough for a third arm or a giant oozing boil), and are capable of general grooming standards. I'm easy. All sizes, shapes, and colors may apply. And honestly, that's what matters more when dating, just that you have a base attraction. And that base attraction exists for me in almost any dude who is relatively good-looking. You need something to work with, though, you know? I know from experience - my first and only boyfriend I thought was cute enough, but I wouldn't have looked twice at him were he not very, very interested in me. But I was at that age where I thought I was so wise and knowledgeable and above it all and what mattered was an attraction to someone's personality, blah blah blah. It didn't. It wasn't what ended breaking us up (that was more a factor of being fifteen), but it certainly made my end of the relationship less enjoyable.
But if we're talking guys I find just flat-out hot, or guys who make me want to fling my underwear at them, or guys who I would actually get up off my ass and proposition shamelessly instead of just giving them a once over and catching their eye for a smile, it is a narrow type. It is so, so narrow. So instead of forcing you guys to vote in a poll where you basically all have to choose from THE SAME PERSON (and because past these five hot guys, narrowing down the field of dudes I find cute is difficult - they're all cute, dammit), I'm just going to discuss the Five Hottest (According to Me) Dudes In The Universe. Because really, who objects to staring at/discussing pretty men and self deprecation? NOT I.
WARNING: BEYOND THIS POINT THIS POST IS NOT ONLY NEGLIGENT OF HOT MEN OF DIFFERENT RACES, COLORS, AND ETHNICITIES, BUT IT IS ALSO DEVOID OF MEN WHO HAVE DIFFERENT HAIR COLORS. ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST DEVOID OF ANY DIVERSITY IN THE SLIGHTEST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
JULIA'S LIST OF THE TOP FIVE HOTTEST GUYS IN THE UNIVERSE.
(AN INFORMATIVE COUNTDOWN)
(WITH ALMOST NO REGARD TO THEIR PERSONALITY)
FIVE: Jake Gyllenhaal
Oh, Jake. Oh, Jakey, Jakey, Jake. How far you've fallen! You used to be so much higher on this list, frankly, because you are such a damn endearing human being. You're a self-admitted half-Jewish homebody who prefers to eschew nightlife for quiet Friday nights at home with your dogs (I'm slowly finding it in my heart to forgive you for having a Puggle, which is essentially Satan in dog form) either reading or watching TV. You're adorably close with your sister and parents, you dote on your niece, you're environmentally, socially, and politically conscious, and I have never seen an interview where you are not charming, well-spoken, and adorable. Plus, your photobombing exploits. Adorable. Amazing. YOU ARE THE DREAM. And that used to take you a hell of a lot higher up my charts than, perhaps, you deserved.
But, see, now I wonder about Jake. Because let's be frank, dating Kristen Dunst was already concerning as she is KIND OF A DOUCHE. (I don't know why I get this feeling, but she seems SO BORING and blah and, like, beyond my realm of comprehension as to why anyone would find her attractive ever). But I was willing to forgive that, because everyone's allowed to date someone who makes you look back and go "oh god, why?!?". Several someones, in fact. Everyone makes mistakes, the real problem is compulsive repeating of them. Then there was Reese Witherspoon. Now that wasn't so terrible. I'm not a huge fan of her (again, she seems boring as fuck), but she seems like way less of a bland douche than KDunst. My real wtf with that was the utter lack of chemistry, and the fact that she had kids and you just seem... so not there yet. So again, only Reese, I'd forgive you.
BUT NOW? NOW YOU ARE DATING TAYLOR SWIFT. AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Again, Taylor Swift isn't a bad person. But she is the village bicycle. And she is SO BORING. And immature. And IRRITATING. And. Ugh. I have discussed my feelings on TSwift before. Also, age difference! Normally I ignore this, but when she ACTS so young as well as BEING so young and LOOKING so young and she dated a JONAS BROTHER and it's a ten year age difference? C'mon, dude.
Now, dating any one of these women wouldn't normally turn me off a dude, but when he's dated all of them? A pretty distinct type emerges, and that's a blond, boring, blah of a girl. And when a dude's type is "characterless and blond", it makes me wonder if he's not a secret douche.
Just sayin'.
FOUR: Sufjan Stevens
WHAT? I ALWAYS WARNED YOU I WAS A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHENOZZLE.
Okay, backtrack defense time. Sufjan Stevens is like... when I love his music, I LOVE his music. LOVE LOVE LOVE WANT TO CRY TEARS OF JOY LOVE. Seriously, listen to some of this:
COME ON YOU GUYS. I think we can all agree, regardless of relative hipster-ness or not, these songs are fucking gorgeous and haunting and amazing. I feel this way about like, fifty percent of his music. The other fifty percent is just fucking weird. Also, I am not saying I'm attracted to him as a person because hoo boy, I am not. The guy is, like... if you think I'm a pretentious toolbag, you have NO IDEA. He is weird as hell and talks like that kid who took one course in poetry and one course in philosophy in college and it ~changed his life~ and now he's a Buddhist vegan or something. He talks like college!Ted from How I Met Your Mother, only it's not ironic and therefore amusing. Also, he's kind of creepy. So like I said, if he asked me out (which would be even creepier, as he is married with children) I would be like NO NO NO NO FUCKING WAY NO. But if a guy who had a completely different personality than him but looked EXACTLY THE SAME asked me out? Oh hells to the yes.
I'm sorry, guys, he plays the banjo. I've been brainwashed by my folksy hippie parents to apparently think of that as a desirable quality in a man.
THREE: Iker Casillas
Guys? THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE WATCHED THE WORLD CUP. Say hello to Iker (pronounced ee-care), goalie and captain of the Spanish National team patron saint of hotness. (No, really, in Spain, they call him San Iker. I think that has more to do with his athletic ability than freakish handsomeness, though.) Now sports dudes aren't really usually my type because they don't tend to be marvelously eloquent and, if translations are to be believed, he isn't either. Also, he has a girlfriend who's so beautiful she gives me a complex. But this is my dream world, okay? And in my dream world we don't focus on the fact that he doesn't speak English and I don't speak Spanish, or the REALITY of who he is and who he's with, we focus on the fact that he's extremely dedicated to helping impoverished children, an all around mensch by every account nice guy (David Beckham and he played on the same team and Becks NEVER SHUTS UP about how much he loves Iker. Like, epic mancrush levels of never shuts up. If Becks is to be believed, this man walks on water and rescues kittens from trees), a freakishly awesome goalkeeper, and SO FUCKING HOT I CANNOT FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, OH SWEET JESUS.
TWO: Colin Morgan
I AM SURE THIS COMES AS A BIG SHOCKING SURPRISE TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER READ ANYTHING I HAVE EVER WRITTEN. EVER.
But seriously, I could ramble on forever about how much I love Colin Morgan and why I love Colin Morgan and all the ways I want to tuck him into bed and feed him cookies and stroke his face and hair and kiss him goodnight and walk around in his t-shirts because he looks like he smells delicious. Actually, you're probably all surprised he's not number one on my hotness list. Which, to be fair, he was very close to being. Here's the thing about Colin Morgan - he's a little fey and skinny for my tastes, but that's easily made up for by the fact that he's so fucking adorable I think he was crafted by God entirely from kitten fluff. It's more... how I feel about him. Because I do love him and find him extremely attractive, but I can't separate that physical OMG SO HOT feeling from the way I feel about him emotionally, which is like... I was trying to explain this toella_bane the other night when she was being SHOCKED AND BETRAYED that there were human beings I found more attractive than Colin Morgan. And it's like... I sort of feel about Colin Morgan like he was my boyfriend when I was fourteen and my first kiss and first love, and he broke my heart a little when he came out as gay, but I was fourteen and we just became friends instead. I'll always have that sort of warm fuzzy I-want-to-kiss-you-all-over feeling, but I also get this extremely strong feeling whenever I look at him of NOT MINE NOT INTERESTED. Which, logically, should make sense because it's true, except that's never stopped me from hardcore crushing on celebrities and ignoring reality for fantasies of us getting married and being awesome.
But with Colin, I can't. I just can't. In my mind he and Bradley are so irreversibly interlocked with each other and the concept of each other that I can't separate them. And yes, if we were on a desert island and they had to continue the human race with me, I'd choose Colin to go do it with, but even in those sorts of fantasies I feel guilty. Like I'm making him miserable by even positing that scenario in my brain. Even if he's not dating Bradley and they're just freakishly close bromantic friends. Even if Colin Morgan flew to Boston, showed up on my doorstep, and proposed marriage. I would say no, because I would feel gnawing guilt. I DON'T KNOW WHY. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, OKAY.
So if there was a boy who looked exactly like Colin Morgan and was straight (or, if real!Colin is straight, fake!Colin would have to be, I guess, straighter. Or at least not make me go "really?" if he confessed to like the ladies) and looked at me like Colin looks at Bradley and acted with me like Colin acts with Bradley, I'd hit that like the fist of an angry god. But as is, right now the most I can ever find it in myself to want from him (and Bradley) is to fill some sort of mom/best friend role and fuss over them and feed them and take pictures of them being adorable.
DAMN YOU, GAY, THWARTING MY PLANS.
ONE: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
I KNOW, I KNOW, YOU ARE ALL COMPLETELY SHOCKED. I've already pretty much articulated my thoughts on Monsieur Gordon-Levitt which is that he is kind of irritatingly perfect and I DID NOT MEAN FOR THAT TO HAPPEN, he just sort of re-appeared into my life going HI I KNOW I'VE BEEN MISSING SINCE 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU BUT IN THE TIME WE HAVE FORGOTTEN EACH OTHER EXISTS I HAVE SOMEHOW GROWN INTO THE IDEA OF A PERFECT MAN YOU HAVE MADE DURING OUR AWARENESS HIATUS. Damn him for being so seemingly accessible with his stupid website and twitter and continued enjoyment of interacting with the normal people. I'd really appreciate if he could magically turn out to be a douche. Or date Lindsay Lohan. Stab some puppies. Seriously. This crush is getting out of hand. He posted pictures of old cameras on his tumblr that are just like the one my dad used in grad school and he gave for me to use when I took photography! I love those things! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SUCH A CHARMING LITTLE FUCKER. WHY.
IN CONCLUSION
SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. Guys, they're all the same person. I perhaps need help. Alternately, if you know any awesome dudes who look like this and are single, HOOK A GIRL UP.
I feel so frustrated with this show, which is a really uncomfortable feeling for me. Like, spoiler alert, Arthur acts like a COMPLETE DOUCHE for the hundredth week in a row. Now, I would be fine with Arthur acting like a douche and being so fail when it comes to who he falls in love with and how he acts when he's in love if I knew that this was all feeding into some grand revelation he was going to have that he was acting like a total asshat. That wold be GREAT. If that were true, I would be cheering Arthur on to act like as much of a jerk as possible. But I know that's not going to happen. Hell, I'm pretty sure the writers think that Arthur is making progress as a human being/future king, which I honestly find a little worrying. And so when I have no faith, I feel like I'm watching them do a giant disservice to everyone to the point where it's almost disrespectful. It's disrespectful the fans, the character, Bradley, who's proven himself so capable, and frankly, the show itself, which is squandering its potential. Isn't Arthur supposed to not be a jackass? Isn't that his JOURNEY? And if they don't want to have Merlin do the job because that's too homoerotic, wasn't that supposed to be Gwen's job? That was the premise I was sold in S2, and all she seems to be doing is making him brattier and brattier. I don't care who the fuck does that job, at this point, but I need someone to. And if they won't let Gwen do it as a love interest and they certainly won't let MERLIN do it as a love interest, can they please allow Merlin to do it as a friend? Something? Anything?
This on top of the missing quest (which I choose to believe is not going up because there was no way they could edit around Colin and Bradley making out) on top of the deleted scenes that just came out, all of which explain SO MUCH about the episode and SHOULD have been part of it, is making me extremely irritated at the entirety of the Merlin production staff. Get your heads out of your asses, Beeb/Shine/The J's. I'm tired of having to watch all your failures and then fix them with fanfiction, which I can't even START until the season ends because you still have three whole episodes to fail at life. The episode commentaries for the first half of S3 are up, and I'm exceedingly disappointed that they only have two and that the Richard and Angel one is not only boring but for episode 3, the most boring filler episode of all filler episodes. Also, what a weird and awkward pairing, Angel and Richard. And what does Angel even have to say about that episode? Farting? Because that's, like, all Gwen does is fart and pet Arthur's donkey ears. How does ANYONE comment on that? How does anyone comment on that episode period? I'm pretty sure not even the most entertaining person in the universe could find a way t make that commentary awesome. At least the Bradley and Katie commentary is hilarious and delightful. I needed SOMETHING awesome and Merlin-related. So thank you, Bradley, for being adorably whiny about how all the knights have better hair and pecs than you. I needed that today. And thank god next few episodes look amazing, because I need this yucky feeling regarding Merlin to go away. It's deeply unnatural feeling.
ANYWAY, to distract myself from yucky Merlin feelings, I suggest we discuss one of the best subjects in the world to discuss, ever. Namely, hot mens. You know how there's this meme going around where it's a survival of the hottest thing, like, when you vote down the least attractive person out of ten someone's chosen until ONLY THE HOTTEST REMAIN? Like, the Battle Royale of sex?
frantic_allonsy is doing it, and staraflur did it, and it looks like a lot of fun, and so honestly, I'd really like to do this meme. But there is a problem. I said this last entry and I'll say it again: when it comes to guys who I find attractive beyond "a very good-looking guy I'd say yes to if he asked me out on a date", I have narrow taste. If we're just talking guys I find cute or attractive enough to make me do a double take or think "he's kinda cute!", there are many. Multitudes. HORDES. When it comes to guys I just find plain old good-looking (personality markers such as clothing choices or habits aside), all you really need is to be notably taller than me (at 4'11", this isn't exactly difficult), someone most people would consider vaguely attractive (like, I'm open-minded, but not enough for a third arm or a giant oozing boil), and are capable of general grooming standards. I'm easy. All sizes, shapes, and colors may apply. And honestly, that's what matters more when dating, just that you have a base attraction. And that base attraction exists for me in almost any dude who is relatively good-looking. You need something to work with, though, you know? I know from experience - my first and only boyfriend I thought was cute enough, but I wouldn't have looked twice at him were he not very, very interested in me. But I was at that age where I thought I was so wise and knowledgeable and above it all and what mattered was an attraction to someone's personality, blah blah blah. It didn't. It wasn't what ended breaking us up (that was more a factor of being fifteen), but it certainly made my end of the relationship less enjoyable.
But if we're talking guys I find just flat-out hot, or guys who make me want to fling my underwear at them, or guys who I would actually get up off my ass and proposition shamelessly instead of just giving them a once over and catching their eye for a smile, it is a narrow type. It is so, so narrow. So instead of forcing you guys to vote in a poll where you basically all have to choose from THE SAME PERSON (and because past these five hot guys, narrowing down the field of dudes I find cute is difficult - they're all cute, dammit), I'm just going to discuss the Five Hottest (According to Me) Dudes In The Universe. Because really, who objects to staring at/discussing pretty men and self deprecation? NOT I.
WARNING: BEYOND THIS POINT THIS POST IS NOT ONLY NEGLIGENT OF HOT MEN OF DIFFERENT RACES, COLORS, AND ETHNICITIES, BUT IT IS ALSO DEVOID OF MEN WHO HAVE DIFFERENT HAIR COLORS. ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST DEVOID OF ANY DIVERSITY IN THE SLIGHTEST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
(AN INFORMATIVE COUNTDOWN)
(WITH ALMOST NO REGARD TO THEIR PERSONALITY)
FIVE: Jake Gyllenhaal
Oh, Jake. Oh, Jakey, Jakey, Jake. How far you've fallen! You used to be so much higher on this list, frankly, because you are such a damn endearing human being. You're a self-admitted half-Jewish homebody who prefers to eschew nightlife for quiet Friday nights at home with your dogs (I'm slowly finding it in my heart to forgive you for having a Puggle, which is essentially Satan in dog form) either reading or watching TV. You're adorably close with your sister and parents, you dote on your niece, you're environmentally, socially, and politically conscious, and I have never seen an interview where you are not charming, well-spoken, and adorable. Plus, your photobombing exploits. Adorable. Amazing. YOU ARE THE DREAM. And that used to take you a hell of a lot higher up my charts than, perhaps, you deserved.
But, see, now I wonder about Jake. Because let's be frank, dating Kristen Dunst was already concerning as she is KIND OF A DOUCHE. (I don't know why I get this feeling, but she seems SO BORING and blah and, like, beyond my realm of comprehension as to why anyone would find her attractive ever). But I was willing to forgive that, because everyone's allowed to date someone who makes you look back and go "oh god, why?!?". Several someones, in fact. Everyone makes mistakes, the real problem is compulsive repeating of them. Then there was Reese Witherspoon. Now that wasn't so terrible. I'm not a huge fan of her (again, she seems boring as fuck), but she seems like way less of a bland douche than KDunst. My real wtf with that was the utter lack of chemistry, and the fact that she had kids and you just seem... so not there yet. So again, only Reese, I'd forgive you.
BUT NOW? NOW YOU ARE DATING TAYLOR SWIFT. AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Again, Taylor Swift isn't a bad person. But she is the village bicycle. And she is SO BORING. And immature. And IRRITATING. And. Ugh. I have discussed my feelings on TSwift before. Also, age difference! Normally I ignore this, but when she ACTS so young as well as BEING so young and LOOKING so young and she dated a JONAS BROTHER and it's a ten year age difference? C'mon, dude.
Now, dating any one of these women wouldn't normally turn me off a dude, but when he's dated all of them? A pretty distinct type emerges, and that's a blond, boring, blah of a girl. And when a dude's type is "characterless and blond", it makes me wonder if he's not a secret douche.
Just sayin'.
FOUR: Sufjan Stevens
WHAT? I ALWAYS WARNED YOU I WAS A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHENOZZLE.
Okay, backtrack defense time. Sufjan Stevens is like... when I love his music, I LOVE his music. LOVE LOVE LOVE WANT TO CRY TEARS OF JOY LOVE. Seriously, listen to some of this:
COME ON YOU GUYS. I think we can all agree, regardless of relative hipster-ness or not, these songs are fucking gorgeous and haunting and amazing. I feel this way about like, fifty percent of his music. The other fifty percent is just fucking weird. Also, I am not saying I'm attracted to him as a person because hoo boy, I am not. The guy is, like... if you think I'm a pretentious toolbag, you have NO IDEA. He is weird as hell and talks like that kid who took one course in poetry and one course in philosophy in college and it ~changed his life~ and now he's a Buddhist vegan or something. He talks like college!Ted from How I Met Your Mother, only it's not ironic and therefore amusing. Also, he's kind of creepy. So like I said, if he asked me out (which would be even creepier, as he is married with children) I would be like NO NO NO NO FUCKING WAY NO. But if a guy who had a completely different personality than him but looked EXACTLY THE SAME asked me out? Oh hells to the yes.
I'm sorry, guys, he plays the banjo. I've been brainwashed by my folksy hippie parents to apparently think of that as a desirable quality in a man.
THREE: Iker Casillas
Guys? THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE WATCHED THE WORLD CUP. Say hello to Iker (pronounced ee-care), goalie and captain of the Spanish National team patron saint of hotness. (No, really, in Spain, they call him San Iker. I think that has more to do with his athletic ability than freakish handsomeness, though.) Now sports dudes aren't really usually my type because they don't tend to be marvelously eloquent and, if translations are to be believed, he isn't either. Also, he has a girlfriend who's so beautiful she gives me a complex. But this is my dream world, okay? And in my dream world we don't focus on the fact that he doesn't speak English and I don't speak Spanish, or the REALITY of who he is and who he's with, we focus on the fact that he's extremely dedicated to helping impoverished children, an all around mensch by every account nice guy (David Beckham and he played on the same team and Becks NEVER SHUTS UP about how much he loves Iker. Like, epic mancrush levels of never shuts up. If Becks is to be believed, this man walks on water and rescues kittens from trees), a freakishly awesome goalkeeper, and SO FUCKING HOT I CANNOT FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, OH SWEET JESUS.
TWO: Colin Morgan
I AM SURE THIS COMES AS A BIG SHOCKING SURPRISE TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER READ ANYTHING I HAVE EVER WRITTEN. EVER.
But seriously, I could ramble on forever about how much I love Colin Morgan and why I love Colin Morgan and all the ways I want to tuck him into bed and feed him cookies and stroke his face and hair and kiss him goodnight and walk around in his t-shirts because he looks like he smells delicious. Actually, you're probably all surprised he's not number one on my hotness list. Which, to be fair, he was very close to being. Here's the thing about Colin Morgan - he's a little fey and skinny for my tastes, but that's easily made up for by the fact that he's so fucking adorable I think he was crafted by God entirely from kitten fluff. It's more... how I feel about him. Because I do love him and find him extremely attractive, but I can't separate that physical OMG SO HOT feeling from the way I feel about him emotionally, which is like... I was trying to explain this to
ella_bane the other night when she was being SHOCKED AND BETRAYED that there were human beings I found more attractive than Colin Morgan. And it's like... I sort of feel about Colin Morgan like he was my boyfriend when I was fourteen and my first kiss and first love, and he broke my heart a little when he came out as gay, but I was fourteen and we just became friends instead. I'll always have that sort of warm fuzzy I-want-to-kiss-you-all-over feeling, but I also get this extremely strong feeling whenever I look at him of NOT MINE NOT INTERESTED. Which, logically, should make sense because it's true, except that's never stopped me from hardcore crushing on celebrities and ignoring reality for fantasies of us getting married and being awesome.But with Colin, I can't. I just can't. In my mind he and Bradley are so irreversibly interlocked with each other and the concept of each other that I can't separate them. And yes, if we were on a desert island and they had to continue the human race with me, I'd choose Colin to go do it with, but even in those sorts of fantasies I feel guilty. Like I'm making him miserable by even positing that scenario in my brain. Even if he's not dating Bradley and they're just freakishly close bromantic friends. Even if Colin Morgan flew to Boston, showed up on my doorstep, and proposed marriage. I would say no, because I would feel gnawing guilt. I DON'T KNOW WHY. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, OKAY.
So if there was a boy who looked exactly like Colin Morgan and was straight (or, if real!Colin is straight, fake!Colin would have to be, I guess, straighter. Or at least not make me go "really?" if he confessed to like the ladies) and looked at me like Colin looks at Bradley and acted with me like Colin acts with Bradley, I'd hit that like the fist of an angry god. But as is, right now the most I can ever find it in myself to want from him (and Bradley) is to fill some sort of mom/best friend role and fuss over them and feed them and take pictures of them being adorable.
DAMN YOU, GAY, THWARTING MY PLANS.
ONE: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
I KNOW, I KNOW, YOU ARE ALL COMPLETELY SHOCKED. I've already pretty much articulated my thoughts on Monsieur Gordon-Levitt which is that he is kind of irritatingly perfect and I DID NOT MEAN FOR THAT TO HAPPEN, he just sort of re-appeared into my life going HI I KNOW I'VE BEEN MISSING SINCE 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU BUT IN THE TIME WE HAVE FORGOTTEN EACH OTHER EXISTS I HAVE SOMEHOW GROWN INTO THE IDEA OF A PERFECT MAN YOU HAVE MADE DURING OUR AWARENESS HIATUS. Damn him for being so seemingly accessible with his stupid website and twitter and continued enjoyment of interacting with the normal people. I'd really appreciate if he could magically turn out to be a douche. Or date Lindsay Lohan. Stab some puppies. Seriously. This crush is getting out of hand. He posted pictures of old cameras on his tumblr that are just like the one my dad used in grad school and he gave for me to use when I took photography! I love those things! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SUCH A CHARMING LITTLE FUCKER. WHY.
SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. Guys, they're all the same person. I perhaps need help. Alternately, if you know any awesome dudes who look like this and are single, HOOK A GIRL UP.