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chibirhmSo I know I said I was going to have my ~ultimate both parts of the finale~ Merlin recap on Wednesday. AND I MEANT FOR THAT TO BE TRUE. But then on Thursday I was busy because I had a doctor's appointment and work, which I didn't finish. And then I was like "oh, well, I'll finish the column Friday morning!", except I forgot something: lately I've been sleeping like shit. I can't get my brain to turn off until like for or five in the morning, at which point it will ONLY shut off and I will fall asleep if I leave my laptop on and playing a television show. (Most weirdly specific insomnia ever?!) And then my alarm goes off at ten every morning - partially so I don't sleep the day away, but mostly because I've found if I don't take my medications by ten than the ADD stuff will keep me awake. Irony! But I've talked to my mom and consulted various doctors before about how to fall asleep easier at night, since it's always been a problem, and everything I've looked up says you need to set a schedule for yourself, including what time you wake up. Which I do! It just doesn't seem to be working.
The point is, I'm operating on very, very little sleep and the column took me the entire day to write. It was actually sort of traumatic and involved tears because I was so frustrated and really insanely overtired (I think in the past three days I've gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep?) Which is actually ironic, because the article was on the latest episode of Bones where Brennan also, like, doesn't sleep. LIFE, ART, BLAH BLAH BLAH. The point is, I'll get to it. Eventually. I'm not exactly worried, though, because is there ever going to be a point where you all are like "no, I really don't feel like getting excited over Merlin and Arthur's big gay love"??? I THINK NOT.
ANYWAY A FEW THINGS THAT ARE DELIGHTFUL TO TIDE YOU OVER:
UNO
So none of you were being helpful on what to get the boyfriend-in-law for Christmas, and I'd sort of given it up as a lost cause, when I was browsing around Modcloth, like I do, and I was looking at a kitchen thing I liked but they were sold out of and I was like "huh, I wonder who makes that and if it's sold on another site or cheaper to by it from them", and that was how I discovered Fred and Friends which is THE GREATEST COMPANY EVER, I THINK. I had no idea all these things I'd seen in gift stores and been coveting for so long came from them! (Or that I actually owned stuff of theirs! On the last night of Hannukah I got these measuring cups which are nothing short of amazeballs. NOW I WANT TO MEASURE ALL THE THINGS.) They basically make tons of whimsical stuff, especially fun kitchen stuff, and it makes me want to buy a house just so I can have a kitchen to fill it with stuff like this:
YOUR EYES ARE NOT DECEIVING YOU, THOSE ARE MOLDS OF ROBOTS THAT YOU CAN USE TO BAKE CUPCAKES IN THEIR HEADS.
Anyway, I am getting the boyfriend-in-law these:
AWESOME RIGHT. I really wanted to get him notes that look like fancy frames because he and my sister are both art history nerds (which is how they met), but I couldn't even find them on eBay. The only place that sold them and had them in stock was a company in Australia, and the shipping is not worth it.
I also wanted to get him Justin Beiber silly bands (this is a long story involving his strange fascination with The Beibs), but my sister was like NO I WAS GOING TO GET HIM JUSTIN BEIBER GAG GIFTS so I had to back off. Tragedy!
DOS
Someone I randomly stalk on Tumblr for Tina Fey reasons just posted this song and it should annoy the shit out of me because of the squeaky voices but I am kind of in love with it. It's like sometimes I try to resist you, inherent indie pretension, and then you reach up from deep within me and strangle my vital brainy parts.
TRES
After the Raw Nose Fiasco I talked about last entry, my gerbils were seriously hating on me. Like, huddling in corners squeaking to each other and then scattering when I so much as turned my head towards the cage, hated me. Which I was, not going to lie, kind of depressed by. Yesterday, however, I discovered the magical key to regaining their love - hazelnuts! I just put in one piece of hazelnut and it was like I had a homing beacon, because within a split second the two little gerbils who were ignoring me five seconds before that came running to my hand and started shoving at each other trying to get to the sliver first. I literally had them eating out of the palm of my hand. Even Gus! Who, in addition to being more severely traumatized, doesn't like eating out of my hand even when he's feeling just fine.
Speaking of my vaguely psychotic pets - my dog. Oh, poochers. She's normally very well behaved and scary-smart (for a dog), especially when it comes to Covert Food Acquisition (And Making The Humans Think It Was Their Fault), but there are times where I am reminded of how overwhelmingly dumb she is. Like today, for instance, she just got a bath. Now, getting a bath always makes her react a little crazy and run around the downstairs for a few minutes barking, as if she's going "FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEEEEDOM!!!!". And usually, it's pretty hilarious, because she, you know, bedraggled and water-logged and generally ridiculous. But this time I was drying her face and she all of a sudden decided NO I CAN DO THIS BETTER and started scrubbing her face into the wood of the living room floor. Now, it's not weird for her to find a soft spot and roll in it to try to get her smell back, but this wasn't about scent. She was, like, walking along, cool as you please, dragging her cheek against the floor. DOG, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Or last night, to give another example. Now, Ella's always been sort of weird about her food. Like, she likes it to move while she's eating it. So what she does is she'll pick it up from her bowl in her mouth and then fling it across the kitchen. She will continue this process until her bowl is empty and the kitchen is a minefield waiting for a broken ankle, and then she will find the nearest human and paw at them like I AM ALL DONE LOOK I AM SO GOOD FOR EATING MAY I HAVE MORE FOOD NOW?!?!?
Like I said, weird. But usually if you go "...dog..." in a foreboding voice, she'll sigh and eat her food off the floor. Or fling it a few more times and then eat it. Whatever.
But last night there was this one chunk of kibble she was, like, not getting along with. She kept carrying it around the house with her in circles. She'd go between my mom, my dad, and I, wagging her tail and dropping it at our feet like she wanted us to throw it, but then if we did she'd just tilt her head at us like, "well, now you'll have to go fetch that for me. Why are you so ridiculous?" And if we tried to move it back to her bowl once she lay down she would go back, pick up that EXACT SAME PIECE OF FOOD, an bring it back into her line of vision.
All of this has lead me to the conclusion that when animals are around me for prolonged periods of time, I do something very terrible to them that warps their brains. Forever.
QUATRO
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, IF I AM EXPECTED TO NOT BE HALF AS PSYCHOTICALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AS I AM, YOU NEED TO STOP POSTING PICTURES LIKE THIS:
YOU KNOW I HAVE INAPPROPRIATE HAND-FLAILY FEELINGS ABOUT YOU DOING THE FOLLOWING THINGS:
- WEARING THOSE GLASSES
- MAKING RIDICULOUS ADORABLE FACES
- GOING TO SOMETHING AS ADORABLE, NERDY, AND ALL-AROUND AWESOME AS BUTT NUMB-A-THON
IT IS COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE FOR YOU TO COMBINE THREE OF THOSE THINGS INTO ONE PHOTO. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ENCOURAGING THIS PATENTLY RIDICULOUS INFATUATION. JERK.
DO ME.
CINCO
This is important enough to leave outside of a cut, so - I am not doing the Holiday Love Meme. I'm just... not a fan of love memes. They make me feel increasingly awkward. If you want to leave me some love, you are welcome to do it in this entry or really, at any time of the year without having even the slightest patina of an excuse. If you were really looking forward to what I was going to write about you or for any reason feel your holiday season would be improved by me verbally validating our totally awesome e-bond, please consider this my open invitation to request just such a thing without being judged even the teeniest of tiny bits.
SIES
...and now I'm going to take a nap like a motherfucking boss.
The point is, I'm operating on very, very little sleep and the column took me the entire day to write. It was actually sort of traumatic and involved tears because I was so frustrated and really insanely overtired (I think in the past three days I've gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep?) Which is actually ironic, because the article was on the latest episode of Bones where Brennan also, like, doesn't sleep. LIFE, ART, BLAH BLAH BLAH. The point is, I'll get to it. Eventually. I'm not exactly worried, though, because is there ever going to be a point where you all are like "no, I really don't feel like getting excited over Merlin and Arthur's big gay love"??? I THINK NOT.
ANYWAY A FEW THINGS THAT ARE DELIGHTFUL TO TIDE YOU OVER:
UNO
So none of you were being helpful on what to get the boyfriend-in-law for Christmas, and I'd sort of given it up as a lost cause, when I was browsing around Modcloth, like I do, and I was looking at a kitchen thing I liked but they were sold out of and I was like "huh, I wonder who makes that and if it's sold on another site or cheaper to by it from them", and that was how I discovered Fred and Friends which is THE GREATEST COMPANY EVER, I THINK. I had no idea all these things I'd seen in gift stores and been coveting for so long came from them! (Or that I actually owned stuff of theirs! On the last night of Hannukah I got these measuring cups which are nothing short of amazeballs. NOW I WANT TO MEASURE ALL THE THINGS.) They basically make tons of whimsical stuff, especially fun kitchen stuff, and it makes me want to buy a house just so I can have a kitchen to fill it with stuff like this:
YOUR EYES ARE NOT DECEIVING YOU, THOSE ARE MOLDS OF ROBOTS THAT YOU CAN USE TO BAKE CUPCAKES IN THEIR HEADS.
Anyway, I am getting the boyfriend-in-law these:
AWESOME RIGHT. I really wanted to get him notes that look like fancy frames because he and my sister are both art history nerds (which is how they met), but I couldn't even find them on eBay. The only place that sold them and had them in stock was a company in Australia, and the shipping is not worth it.
I also wanted to get him Justin Beiber silly bands (this is a long story involving his strange fascination with The Beibs), but my sister was like NO I WAS GOING TO GET HIM JUSTIN BEIBER GAG GIFTS so I had to back off. Tragedy!
DOS
Someone I randomly stalk on Tumblr for Tina Fey reasons just posted this song and it should annoy the shit out of me because of the squeaky voices but I am kind of in love with it. It's like sometimes I try to resist you, inherent indie pretension, and then you reach up from deep within me and strangle my vital brainy parts.
TRES
After the Raw Nose Fiasco I talked about last entry, my gerbils were seriously hating on me. Like, huddling in corners squeaking to each other and then scattering when I so much as turned my head towards the cage, hated me. Which I was, not going to lie, kind of depressed by. Yesterday, however, I discovered the magical key to regaining their love - hazelnuts! I just put in one piece of hazelnut and it was like I had a homing beacon, because within a split second the two little gerbils who were ignoring me five seconds before that came running to my hand and started shoving at each other trying to get to the sliver first. I literally had them eating out of the palm of my hand. Even Gus! Who, in addition to being more severely traumatized, doesn't like eating out of my hand even when he's feeling just fine.
Speaking of my vaguely psychotic pets - my dog. Oh, poochers. She's normally very well behaved and scary-smart (for a dog), especially when it comes to Covert Food Acquisition (And Making The Humans Think It Was Their Fault), but there are times where I am reminded of how overwhelmingly dumb she is. Like today, for instance, she just got a bath. Now, getting a bath always makes her react a little crazy and run around the downstairs for a few minutes barking, as if she's going "FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEEEEDOM!!!!". And usually, it's pretty hilarious, because she, you know, bedraggled and water-logged and generally ridiculous. But this time I was drying her face and she all of a sudden decided NO I CAN DO THIS BETTER and started scrubbing her face into the wood of the living room floor. Now, it's not weird for her to find a soft spot and roll in it to try to get her smell back, but this wasn't about scent. She was, like, walking along, cool as you please, dragging her cheek against the floor. DOG, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Or last night, to give another example. Now, Ella's always been sort of weird about her food. Like, she likes it to move while she's eating it. So what she does is she'll pick it up from her bowl in her mouth and then fling it across the kitchen. She will continue this process until her bowl is empty and the kitchen is a minefield waiting for a broken ankle, and then she will find the nearest human and paw at them like I AM ALL DONE LOOK I AM SO GOOD FOR EATING MAY I HAVE MORE FOOD NOW?!?!?
Like I said, weird. But usually if you go "...dog..." in a foreboding voice, she'll sigh and eat her food off the floor. Or fling it a few more times and then eat it. Whatever.
But last night there was this one chunk of kibble she was, like, not getting along with. She kept carrying it around the house with her in circles. She'd go between my mom, my dad, and I, wagging her tail and dropping it at our feet like she wanted us to throw it, but then if we did she'd just tilt her head at us like, "well, now you'll have to go fetch that for me. Why are you so ridiculous?" And if we tried to move it back to her bowl once she lay down she would go back, pick up that EXACT SAME PIECE OF FOOD, an bring it back into her line of vision.
All of this has lead me to the conclusion that when animals are around me for prolonged periods of time, I do something very terrible to them that warps their brains. Forever.
QUATRO
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, IF I AM EXPECTED TO NOT BE HALF AS PSYCHOTICALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AS I AM, YOU NEED TO STOP POSTING PICTURES LIKE THIS:
YOU KNOW I HAVE INAPPROPRIATE HAND-FLAILY FEELINGS ABOUT YOU DOING THE FOLLOWING THINGS:
- WEARING THOSE GLASSES
- MAKING RIDICULOUS ADORABLE FACES
- GOING TO SOMETHING AS ADORABLE, NERDY, AND ALL-AROUND AWESOME AS BUTT NUMB-A-THON
IT IS COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE FOR YOU TO COMBINE THREE OF THOSE THINGS INTO ONE PHOTO. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ENCOURAGING THIS PATENTLY RIDICULOUS INFATUATION. JERK.
CINCO
This is important enough to leave outside of a cut, so - I am not doing the Holiday Love Meme. I'm just... not a fan of love memes. They make me feel increasingly awkward. If you want to leave me some love, you are welcome to do it in this entry or really, at any time of the year without having even the slightest patina of an excuse. If you were really looking forward to what I was going to write about you or for any reason feel your holiday season would be improved by me verbally validating our totally awesome e-bond, please consider this my open invitation to request just such a thing without being judged even the teeniest of tiny bits.
SIES
...and now I'm going to take a nap like a motherfucking boss.
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