quite a lot of trouble for such a pretty little girl

MY BIRTHDAY WAS SO AWESOME. I mean, my sister was feeling really unwell and was asleep most of the night instead of hanging out like we'd planned so that was annoying, but still! I have a very long history of very crappy birthdays, between it being so close to Christmas and being a twin (I mean, my parents were always great about giving us both what we wanted, even if that meant baking two cakes and cooking two dinners, but it's inevitable that as a kid you watch all your friends and your sister have a day that's JUST THEIR DAY FOREVER and you have to share it, and it feels sort of crappy, no matter how great your parents are) and the fact that for whatever reason, no one ever remembered it. It was particularly hellish in high school when there would be those girls who would go around with crowns and balloons tied to their bags and expect you to treat them like queens for a day and basically stop every class for fifteen minutes, and I would always make such a fuss over my friends' birthdays (once we bought a cafeteria cupcake and conned a science teacher into giving us a lighter they used for a Bunsen burner to "blow out", I never managed to top that one), and I would have to remind people for weeks it was my birthday and then whenever it came around they'd be like "sorry, forgot, have a big Spanish test and I was thinking about what I was going to do over Christmas break" and it was like lksdafjlksjdflkj ARG.

But yesterday! I slept until noon, I chilled out all day, the BFF came over for Chinese food, Ella spent the night, cake was delicious, I got Merlin season 1, How I Met Your Mother seasons 3 and 4, Community season 1, a cute little creamer shaped like a bunny, a cute little notebook again, with bunnies (bunnies are my "thing" in my family), and some big fuzzy PJ pants. Plus, sonicbookmark got me a year of paid account time! BB YOU ARE TOO GOOD TO ME. I WILL TRY TO FINISH A FIC SOMETIME BEFORE I DIE FOR YOU. And thank you for everyone who sent me messages! You all are too good to me. ♥

ANYWAY, SOME RANDOM MISCELLANY THAT DOESN'T REALLY COHERENTLY GO ANYWHERE.

UNE: So I was doing top 5's for my tumblr and had made all these pretty graphics when Ella, trying to get my attention, pawed at my laptop and SHUT IT DOWN before I had a chance to save them. TRAGEDY TRAGEDY TRAGEDY.

Most of it is easy enough to re-create, but the real tragedy is losing the one that was for Merlin/Arthur/Bradley/Colin (okay, they're all one giant mashed-up ball of love in my head. AND YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM). It took me SO LONG to find/narrow down screencaps and pictures that spanned all seasons and eras and it is too fucking much to undertake again. So, hardship of hardships, I think you all should reach down and trawl through your photo collections for your favorite (undoctored/colored/whatever) pictures of the boys being stupidface in love for me to put into a collage. The only requirement is that they both be in the frame instead of just giving besotted eyes to the camera, like I want it to be obvious to anyone, even if they've never seen the two before, that they're looking at each other like I LOVE YOUUU.

DEUX:D'you know that I can easily choose my top 5 gay OTPs, but once you include all my heterosexual OTPs, I get SUPER CONFUSED?!?! Like I was going to do two top fives, one of just gay couples and one of just straight ones, but when I went to list all my favorite het pairings the list just kept going and going and going and I love them all the same! It's not with the same ardent fire and passion that my gay pairings inspire in me, mostly because I don't have to fight for het pairings to happen, you know? They actually get together if I wait long enough. They all make my heart warm. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM, IT'S LIKE MURDERING BABIES.

TROIS: DON'T ASK DON'T TELL REPEALED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG WHERE ARE YOU GUYS, I NEED SOMEONE TO JUMP UP AND DOWN AND SQUEAL LOUDLY WITH. WHERE IS THE PARTY?!?!? IS THERE A PARTY?!?!? SHOULD I HOST A PARTY?!?!? AM I THE ONLY ONE EXCITED FOR THE INEVITABLE CELEBRATORY YOUTUBE VIDEOS OF GAY COUPLES IN UNIFORM HUGGING AND MAKING OUT?!?!??!

QUATRE: Did you know I updated my fanvid request post? YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT, HINT HINT.

CINQ: Jesus fucking Christ the cast of Community is adorable. I've been listening to all the commentaries and I just want to move in with them and we can all be besties. Though I'm unsure how I feel about Dan Harmon. He's a genius, obviously, and I agree with him on a lot of things, but he also comes across as a kind of giant smug asshole.

But seriously, why doesn't Community get nominated for more shit? It's way better than a lot of the crap that does get nominated. I'm talking to you, United States of Tara and inexplicable Two and a Half Men.

CINQ AND A HALF: Am I the only one who hates Jeff and Annie together on Community? It icks me out so hard I can't even describe. I still am all aboard the Annie/Troy train. I'm unsure how I feel about Jeff/Britta, but I really want Annie and Troy to grow up and go out and get married and Annie will be a social worker or whatever she wants to be and Troy will own a construction company and Abed will move to LA but he'll talk to Troy on the phone every day and stay at their house whenever he needs and before he makes it big live in their basement. THE END IT WILL BE AWESOME.

SIX: So I just realized the other day while I was doing dishes that Future Husband JGL and also probably Tom Hardy and Ellen Page are probably going to be at all the major awards events this season because Inception keeps getting nominated for shit! LET'S DISCUSS MY LEVELS OF EXCITEMENT! THEY ARE HIGH.

Also, let's discuss how hard I laughed when I saw the For Your Consideration posters for whichever ball of shit Twilight movie they're on. You know the scene where Edward proposes that's in every commercial ever now that one of them is coming out on DVD? It is so hilariously awful and flat. And oh my god, that ring is hideous. Like, even refraining from my feminism rant, how can anyone think those movies or books are good it is so mind-boggling.

SEPT: DID I MENTION DON'T ASK DON'T TELL REPEAL IS REALLY EXCITING?!?!?!

HOLY MOTHER OF EDIT: OKAY, I KNOW THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY COLIN AND BRADLEY BUT MY MIND IS BLOWN. HOLY. FUCKING. FUCK.

DO WANT RIGHT NOW THIS IS PHOTO PROOF THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN, OKAY THANKS BYE.

So I know I said I was going to have my ~ultimate both parts of the finale~ Merlin recap on Wednesday. AND I MEANT FOR THAT TO BE TRUE. But then on Thursday I was busy because I had a doctor's appointment and work, which I didn't finish. And then I was like "oh, well, I'll finish the column Friday morning!", except I forgot something: lately I've been sleeping like shit. I can't get my brain to turn off until like for or five in the morning, at which point it will ONLY shut off and I will fall asleep if I leave my laptop on and playing a television show. (Most weirdly specific insomnia ever?!) And then my alarm goes off at ten every morning - partially so I don't sleep the day away, but mostly because I've found if I don't take my medications by ten than the ADD stuff will keep me awake. Irony! But I've talked to my mom and consulted various doctors before about how to fall asleep easier at night, since it's always been a problem, and everything I've looked up says you need to set a schedule for yourself, including what time you wake up. Which I do! It just doesn't seem to be working.

The point is, I'm operating on very, very little sleep and the column took me the entire day to write. It was actually sort of traumatic and involved tears because I was so frustrated and really insanely overtired (I think in the past three days I've gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep?) Which is actually ironic, because the article was on the latest episode of Bones where Brennan also, like, doesn't sleep. LIFE, ART, BLAH BLAH BLAH. The point is, I'll get to it. Eventually. I'm not exactly worried, though, because is there ever going to be a point where you all are like "no, I really don't feel like getting excited over Merlin and Arthur's big gay love"??? I THINK NOT.

ANYWAY A FEW THINGS THAT ARE DELIGHTFUL TO TIDE YOU OVER:

( Involves pictures, cut to save your friendslist. )

CINCO
This is important enough to leave outside of a cut, so - I am not doing the Holiday Love Meme. I'm just... not a fan of love memes. They make me feel increasingly awkward. If you want to leave me some love, you are welcome to do it in this entry or really, at any time of the year without having even the slightest patina of an excuse. If you were really looking forward to what I was going to write about you or for any reason feel your holiday season would be improved by me verbally validating our totally awesome e-bond, please consider this my open invitation to request just such a thing without being judged even the teeniest of tiny bits.

SIES
...and now I'm going to take a nap like a motherfucking boss.

My First-World Reasons I am Miserable:
Uno! Impeding period. Always makes me super depressed/anxious. This month, I got to have an utterly unexplained panic attack over nothing on Sunday morning that lasted for three hours. That was three hours of uncontrollable shaking, crying, nausea, and mind-numbing terror for no reason. THREE. HOURS. Do you have any idea how INSANELY uncomfortable that is and how shaken that leaves you? IT FEELS TERRIBLE. It's like your soul vomiting. Only more painful.

Dos! EVERYONE, STOP DYING. I could emotionally handle the gay teen suicides (sort of). But I cannot handle them and then Tim Gunn making an It Gets Better video where he talks about how he tried to kill himself (TIM GUNN, MY HEART IS DELICATE AND FRAGILE AND YOU ARE MY FAVORITE), and then JGL's brother died, which I know shouldn't bother me but really, really does on two levels. The first being that whenever he'd make these tweets or tumblr posts about his brother it reminded me so strongly about how I feel about my older sister, and then my crazy over-empathy parts get involved and I start thinking about what would happen if one of my siblings died, and he was thirty-six and totally healthy! NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DIE AT THIRTY-SIX UNLESS THEY HAVE AN EXTREMELY GOOD REASON, LIKE BEING IN AN AVALANCHE, OKAY. THAT'S ONE OF MY RULES OF LIFE THAT KEEPS ME FROM TURNING INTO A PARANOID NEUROTIC MESS. (Also I feel really sad for JGL an his family and everyone, except I don't really know them or anything about the situation so it's kind of a secondary "oh, that's such a shame".)

Also, the couple whose cats I was going to watch while they went to Turkey cancelled their Turkey trip because it looks like his brother might bite it. Right before his daughter's wedding. And his brother is my parents' age. Seriously, everyone, less with the death! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.

Tres! Second week in a row of gray and rain. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.

Quatro! I went to Target to try to replace my much beloved flats and they had these great shoes almost exactly like my old ones, but the 6.5s were too small and the 7s were too big. I've tried everywhere else - the local shoe store, DSW, Zappos... AND I HATE SHOPPING, YOU GUYS. I really, really fucking need new shoes. Why can't I just find new freaking shoes? And don't even get me started on my sneaker woes. All of my shoes are legit falling apart at the seams. Like that's not a turn of phrase, they are falling apart at the seams.

On top of no luck with shoes at Target, I also had no luck with finding bags (also falling apart), any clothes (red zone situation - all my clothing fits into one dark and one light wash easily, and the light wash isn't even full, and both of those are fifty percent pajamas), or the laundry detergent my mother asked me to pick up. Though I did manage to get myself eyeshadow because my old eyeshadow has been disintegrating everywhere. Woo...hoo. Clearly, a priority.

This trip to Target took up the part of the day where I was supposed to take the dog for a walk, too, and by time I got home I was overtired, cramping, cranky, freezing cold, and so instead I passed out on my couch for two hours. And then I felt guilty the rest of the night for going out when clearly I should have been staying home taking care of my baby. (For the record, I should not have, I just feel an irrational sense of guilt anyway, and I'm hormonal/Jewish, so it was semi-crippling. My dog forgave me within thirty seconds of scratching under her chin.)

Cinqo! This week's episode of Glee was so depressing I can't even talk about it without legit feeling queasy. Usually, Glee is my special happy fun time full of campy music and devoid of logic or emotion. Robin's boyfriend comes over, Ella's over, Robin's home, we all curl up on the couch and coo at Finn and Artie because they are too precious to exist and where were those boys in high school when we were there? It's good times. TONIGHT WAS NOT GOOD TIMES, GLEE. IT WAS TAKE MY TERRIFYING WORST FEARS ABOUT PARENTS DROPPING NEARLY-DEAD AND MANIPULATING MY EMOTIONS FOR AN HOUR. AN HOUR! EVEN FINN BEING ADORABLE ABOUT FINDING JESUS ON HIS GRILLED CHEESE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

THAT MEANS I FELT PRETTY DAMN SHITTY ABOUT THE WHOLE THING, FYI.

Sies! Ever since my Fun Marathon of Terror, my stomach has been misbehaving terribly. The latest thing it has decided I cannot eat without insane nausea/indigestion? Apples. And sister and her boyfriend just went apple picking! My mother just made applesauce and apple tart! Apples are everywhere! It's fucking October in fucking New England! And I love apples!

Stomach, you and I are not on good terms right now.


YOUR JOB: Do not hug me! Do not pet my hair! Give me fun stuff! Happy stuff! Rec me fics of adorable boys in love! Youtube videos! Find adorable fuzzy things from CuteOverload backlogs! Write me comment fics!

Also if one or two of you could come over and do my laundry/the rest of my reading for class tomorrow/make it so I don't have to go to class tomorrow, I'd really like that.